Quiet Moments

boat

 

 

In your quiet moments, what do you think about?  How far you’ve come, or how far you have to go?  Your strengths, or your weaknesses?  The best that might hap pen, or the worst that might come to be?  In your quiet moments, pay attention to your thoughts.  Because maybe, just maybe, the only thing that needs to shift in order for you to experience more happiness, more love, and more vitality, is your way of thinking.

 

Its been a while since I last blogged. Quite honestly, I haven’t been wanting to. I had a great week, and I was enjoying my quiet moments. Enjoying actually feeling semi normal, and not having to think about my sickness, or think about my next round of chemo. When I have my bad days, they are the worst. But my good days, they are amazing, and I wish I had more of them. My good week slowly dwindled down when I realized I was about to spend my 4th Wedding Anniversary getting 6 hours of chemo. Normally we take a nice long weekend at shore, this time we took a nice long weekend of me being sick in bed. Womp womp. I can not wait to take the longest, most relaxing vacation when this is all over.

 

People always ask me what the hardest part is. Its not losing my hair, losing weight, my scars.. I think the hardest part is realizing and accepting the fact that Yes, I am sick, and Yes, I do look sick. Its too hot out for my wig right now, so I usually go bald, or wear a scarf on my head. I wont be seen in public alone bald, only when I’m with someone. People are rude, and stare which makes me even more uncomfortable than I already am. Most of the time I dress nice, and do my makeup so I don’t feel like I look sick. And most of the time, I think I look fine until I notice people staring. I was in Walmart grocery shopping, sick as hell,  when a cute old man strikes up a conversation with me.

He says “Man, I hate grocery shopping.” I looked at him and said “Yea, you and me both!” He keeps staring at me as I stare back thinking to myself, what the hell is he looking at? Then he continues and says “How are you feeling? How long have you had cancer?” My heart dropped, and i’m like what the hell, how does he know, and who says that?! It wasn’t until that moment, I realized holy fuck, I look like I have cancer! Confidence level right back down to ZERO. I stayed and talked to the man. Turns out his wife died from cancer last year from lung cancer, which spread to her brain, and his 22 year old grandson is now battling cancer. You truly do meet a lot of people that you would have never met, while you’re going through something like this. It was actually nice to talk to someone that had no clue who I was, but knew and understood what I was going through. Which brings me to my next topic..

 

Everyone vents. People need to vent to release all the tension and frustration from a difficult situation. If not, it gets bottled up, and you get filled with stress and anxiety. Well at least that’s how I am. In my times of difficult situations, I’ve realized and came to terms that Im venting to the wrong people. I’m venting and expressing my anger, and no one knows how to respond. They tell me “don’t be sad.” “don’t let that get to you.” All responses that don’t help, or I don’t want to hear. NO ONE knows how hard this is, or what Im going through unless they themselves are going through it. Its the easiest thing in the world to say you’ll be fine, or don’t be upset, because YOU don’t have to go through it.  I’ve been through A LOT, and I’ve always been the one that people go to for advice, to vent to, or express themselves.. But, who do I go to? Im very strong, and hold a lot in, but sometimes it would be nice to talk to someone who knows how I am feeling, and who knows what I am going through, and actually knows what to say. I’m sorry, but telling me your mother, or grandmother had breast cancer, doesn’t help. Im sorry they went through that, but they are not me, and they are not 28.

 

Being young, and having to go through chemo during the summer really SUCKS. I make the best out of my good days, but I feel like I am ruining everyones summer. I’ve expressed that before, and Justin and our friends got mad at me. They said, if anything I made their summer better. I made them appreciate life more, and not take things for granted. Especially the little things. Nothing makes me more mad than to hear people complain about petty shit, and complain about things they take for granted. I hear people complaining about not being able to go to the gym enough, their kids, their hair in the humidity, and countless other things. Have ALL of that taken away from you, then come and complain to me. It sucks to say, but it really takes ONE life changing event for people to realize what they really take for granted. In the end, its the little things that really matter, Not the petty stupid shit people complain and obsess about. More people need to realize that as long as you have your health, and life.. BE HAPPY!!!!! Anything can change in the matter of minutes.

 

It’s just a scale

20140621-112950-41390843.jpg


The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!

I’ve always been obsessed with my weight. What girl isn’t?! From eating disorders, to doing competitions. It was always something. If i gained a few pounds, id freak out.. If I lost a few pounds, I’d be super happy.. When this all started, I was a lean shredded 130 pounds. I’d train legs twice a week, to make my legs and quads grow, and my abs would always be showing. Now it’s hard to believe that I’m barely 108 pounds, with no muscle and no confidence. Of course I’ve always wanted to lose weight.. But not by being sick. I see myself every day, I feel like I look the same. It wasn’t until recently when I realized how small I’ve actually gotten. I look at pictures I’ve took, and you see my bones and how frail I am. It’s hard enough to look in the mirror and see my beautiful hair gone, my perfect breasts gone.. I now look in the mirror, and I can start to see my ribs, and my collar bone.. It’s gonna be really hard to feel beautiful and confident again.. It’s gonna be another journey, and another struggle to get through..

I’m only going to do a short jumbled blog, because I’m not feeling well today. So, I just finished my second round of chemo.. This round, I was NOT prepared for. Every side effect I got last time, it came back quicker, and it came back worse. And then some! My hair… My poor hair. It’s basically gone completely. I feel like I look like some kind of spotted animal. I can’t shave it with a razor because risk of infection.. So I have to watch it spot and fall out.. My eyebrows and eyelashes are slowly coming out.. My veins are hurting, all my incisions and scars are killing me, I can barely move. I’m bruising all over, and where my drains were placed, they keep getting infected. And you know what? Yes. I’m actually complaining.. This shit sucks, I’m not even gonna sugar coat it. Do I want you to feel bad for me? Hell no! The doctor last told me, we had to wait a while for reconstruction. He said I’m getting too small, and he’s scared that if he fills my expanders in my breasts with saline, it will start to crush my ribs.. Not only that, my incisions keep getting infected from the chemo, and he’s nervous it will start to spread. Yay.

Sitting here knowing it’s only gonna get worse before it gets better, scares the living shit out of me. I’m nervous for what else is about to come, I’m nervous for what other obstacles I’m gonna have to face. I have so many mixed emotions that go through my head from day to day. My moods change from happy to sad in the matter of seconds.. Sometimes I’ll just look in the mirror and break down.. It’s hard to look at myself like this, and not know why something like this is happening to me. I’m a great, loyal person.. Why me? Why did I have to get sick?? Sometimes I’ll even just laugh and say to myself “holy fuck, I’m a mess!” Most nights I can’t sleep.. Most nights I’m scared to sleep in fear that I won’t wake up..

I may act strong, and I may look strong.. But I’m most definitely hurting and breaking on the inside. I mostly blog on how great I’m doing with all this, and how strong I am. Today, I had to blog and let it out. It’s not easy. I have my good days, and today I’m blogging about one of the worst. That’s why I blog.. To let you into my life, tell my story and go through my journey. It’s not a cake walk, and most people will never know what I’m going through, or know how I feel. Cancer can put me down, make me miserable, feel ugly, and scared.. But what I do know, no matter how skinny, bald, or ugly I feel.. Cancer will never, ever take away my heart or my personality. Those are 2 things that are here to stay. #fuckcancer