Rock Bottom

Rock Bottom

“When someone has Cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too”

It wasn’t until recently I realized how true this statement is, and realized what a bitch I’ve been. I’ve realized that I am NOT the only one fighting and struggling here. My family are going through it too, and my close friends are going through it too. It kills me inside knowing that my dad lost his mother, father, and sister to Cancer, now his baby girl has it too. I guess I really never thought about how he feels. My moms Dad had thyroid and prostate cancer, and her grandmother died from ovarian cancer. I never gave it a thought to how she feels. I haven’t really thought about how anyone feels. I’ve been so selfish, and numb. Sad to say, but I honestly don’t care about anything anymore. I have become so numb to everything. I’m disconnected with friends, family, and even myself.

Its been an extremely ROUGH few months. Just when I thought I was at rock bottom, it got even worse. I struggled with having no health insurance for almost 2 months, having to cancel all of my appointments and place everything on hold. That stressed me out more than anything. On top of health issues, I’ve been having other issues too.. We had a leak in our bathroom.. trying to find the leak, we found MOLD. Tons of it. Needless to say, we need to find some place to stay until the issue is resolved. How about my newly broken nose? I posted a picture on instagram that some people asked as to why I did that?  A few reasons why… First of all, it was hilarious! My face was a bloody mess! I’m a sick fuck, I know. Anyways, My life has literally been an open book and on blast lately. I blog to vent, to tell my story, I put pictures on instagram that tell my story.. If its something extremely personal, I’d never write about it. But for now, I tell my story through writing and pictures. Those of you who didnt see, the picture I posted was me in the hospital with my poor bloody face. What happened? I took a door to the face like a champ! The edge of the door got my eye, nose and lip. 9 Stitches in my eye, 2 in my nose, and a HUGE lip and a broken nose. Which is fine, because i wanted a nose job anyways! But in all seriousness, I’ve never felt pain like that in my life. It hurts like a motherrrrr right now!  Best part of the story is, my health insurance became affective that night! So, why not break my nose and test out my health insurance and make sure it works!

So when i say Rock Bottom.. I honestly don’t even think there is a rock bottom. Shit just happens, and seems to get worse. Every time I say it’s gotta get better or it cant get any worse.. It just seems to get worse. I can’t catch a break. When it rains it pours, Aint that the truth! I know I say it all the time, but all of this really makes you see who your real friends are and who comes to help when in need. I haven’t even heard from some so called “friends” in weeks. I’ve come to realize there are many types of friends

  • Part time friends- These are friends that are only there when THEY need something or when THEY are having a problem. Minute I need them, or something goes wrong with me.. Where the fuck are they?!
  • Fake friends- These are the friends that only text you or reach out to you to see what happened because they are nosey. They dont care, they just want to know what happened or whats wrong.
  • Real friends- These are the friends that are by my side no matter what. I only have a few of them, and although I may not seem thankful.. I am super thankful and grateful I have you guys by my side.

Needless to say… Part time and fake friends, I dont have time for you. As i said earlier in the blog, I honestly do not care about anything, or anyone thats not important to me. I have way too much shit going on, and beyond stressed to be bothered. This is just me venting and ranting. I know everyone reads my blog, and it makes me feel better to get shit off my chest.

Sorry for kinda getting off topic..

Anyways, Now that I have my insurance back, I’m making all of my appointments again. My surgery will be in the next few weeks. Finally! The doctors were starting to get nervous because I haven’t had any treatment yet. Its been way to long to not have treatment or surgery yet, so they’re rushing to get my surgery. One of the things that makes me beyond mad, is that I could have been training this whole time to do my next competition. Which is next week. My doctor told me I need the surgery ASAP and couldn’t train or compete. HA! I totally could have done it, and now I’m so upset that my girlfriend is competing in her FIRST show next weekend, and I have to sit in the audience and watch, instead of being up on stage by her side. (I’ll be screaming out your name Sarah, and watching you take first <3)

That’s just something I’ve been starting to get used to, and numb.. Disappointments. Since November, everything has been a disappointment. Sometimes I just sit back and look at my life and say “What the fuck has my life come too? How did I get to this place I’m at now?”  I get down on myself. I see my scars all over my body, you can see the pain in my face.. But then I think to myself again, I have a family that loves me, an amazing husband that loves me more than life (who i take for granted) and some really great friends. I have all this support, and thats what keeps me going each day. Being hurt like I am now, with my busted “bad ass” face, shows how strong I really am. I scare myself with how strong I’ve become. In these next few weeks, im only going to get stronger!!

 

 

Fighter

Fighter

“Gonna live life ’til we’re dead. Give me scars, give me pain.. Then they’ll say to me, There goes the fighter, Here comes the fighter.. That’s what they’ll say to me, This one’s a fighter.”

You’re a fighter, they say. You’re so strong, they say. HA- if they only knew. One can only stay strong for so long.. One can only fake a smile for so long.. I am a fighter, that’s for sure. As for being strong.. Well, I have my days. And to tell you the truth, I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of faking a smile. I’m tired of having to think, and make these decisions. I want someone to be strong for me, smile for me, and make these decisions for me. As time passes. the days just seem to get longer, and the decisions start to get harder. I just want to give up sometimes.. crumble, and break down.

Every other day is a doctors appointment. Bad news, after bad news. I cant work, I cant sleep, I cant even think. Since last blog, I switched doctors. Thank god I did. My new doctors told me that there was in fact cancer in my Lymph Nodes. Awesome right! NOT. The other doctors failed to tell me that. One more thing to worry about. So what does it mean when cancer spreads into the Lymph Nodes? Well first off, it means that I am no longer at Stage 1 breast Cancer, I am now at Stage 2. SO that means, maybe chemo after surgery. When cancer cells break away from the tumor, they can travel through the lymph system, or the blood stream. If it travels through the lymph system, they may end up in the lymph nodes. Which is what happened. Either way, most of the escaped cancer cells die or are killed before they can start growing somewhere else. But one or two might settle in a new area, begin to grow, and form new tumors. When cancer grows inside lymph nodes, it usually affects the lymph nodes near the tumor itself. Which is why I have this huge scar under my armpit, from removing my lymph nodes. More cancer in the nodes may mean that the cancer is more aggressive or that it’s more likely to spread to other places in the body. As of now, the cancer is in one place.

All of the news I have been receiving is way too much for me to handle. I will be going to see a fertility doctor in Hoboken next week to take the next steps to see if i have any eggs to freeze, and what I have to do to develop eggs to freeze them. The hardest part of all of this, is my thoughts of not being able to have my own child. The thought of that kills me, and my heart honestly breaks. I can cry at a drop of a dime when it comes to the topic of children. Yes, I know. Worry about my health first. I am trying. But my mind has been all over the place lately.. Between being sick, work, and just life in general. Nothing seems to be going right for me.

I just cant seem to grasp any of this. It may seem like I’m complaining, and if some of you want to think that, honestly.. Fuck off. I’m not complaining. I’m not saying why me, poor me.. I am being blunt and honest, and telling my story. I blog because I hate to talk about it out loud. I blog to get my story out there. I blog because it relaxes me and keeps me from blowing up on ignorant people. Not many people know what really goes on in the life of a young “cancer patient.” Well, I’m expressing what goes on in my life, and in my head. Not many people can do that.

Today… Today is a bad day. One of the worst actually. I sit here blogging with tears down my face, angry, sad, hurt.. Any emotion possible, that’s what I am feeling. I just have to keep telling myself things will get better, the days will get shorter, and Maybe.. Just maybe, It wont hurt to smile, and I wont have to fake it any more.

What about me?

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I’ve never really been one to express my feelings, or good at it. Well, unless I’m telling you to go fuck yourself. I’m really good at that. I usually bottle everything up, and keep it moving. I am slowly learning that this is not the way to handle my current situation. I’ve been bottling up all my anger and emotions, that it gets to a point where I just blow up and stay in complete bitch mode. But in all honesty, can you blame me? The past few weeks I have been dealing with more Doctors than one can imagine. It’s so overwhelming, and beyond stressful. Most of my new doctors are in NYC, and lord knows I will NOT let my mother drive, let alone in the city. Stevie Wonder could drive better than her. It’s beyond stressful trying to find rides to my appointments, take off of work, the snow. Its just a lot to handle right now.

So whats been going on lately you ask? THREE doctors so far have been telling me the same thing over and over about my next surgery and reconstruction. They all suggested and insisted on what they call a Flap Reconstruction. A flap reconstruction is where they remove fat from certain areas of your body to reconstruct your new Cancer Free boobies. They usually take the fat from your stomach giving you a tummy tuck, or from the butt giving you a butt lift, or inner thighs. Now, this would be awesome if I actually had some fat on my body! When I went for my consultation, the doctor took a look at me and said “wow, you really don’t have a lot of fat on your body.” No shit Doc! KNOWING that I don’t have enough fat on just one area, the doctor proceeds to tell me that they will take the fat from ALL 3 areas just to reconstruct my breasts. The hell you wont! I’ve told all the doctors over and over I DO NOT want to do it this way, I don’t want more scars all over my body. I’m scarred enough emotionally, I don’t need anymore visible ones! I just want my breasts to look perfect again with implants! I’m self conscious as it is, and its MY BODY. 

I’m very good at speaking my mind, and the doctors even said its been a while since they’ve had a patient like me. So needless to say, I’ve basically told these doctors to go eff themselves. This is MY body, I AM the one with cancer, and I AM the one that is going through this. If they aren’t going to do the surgery the way I WANT it, I will go find another doctor that will. I spoke to the doctor that did my moms reconstruction, and he agrees with me, and refereed me to a doctor in NYC. My moms doctor no longer does the surgeries, or I would have him do it. So right now I’m at a stand still, and just waiting for my next few appointments.

It’s funny how when your younger, you believe anything and everything a doctor tells you. As you get older, you realize a lot is bull shit, and a lot is to benefit them. What, you want more credibility just because your 1 of a few doctors in the country that can do this surgery?! I don’t care if Jesus himself did the surgery. I’m NOT doing it! If I was their daughter, would they be giving me the run around still?? NOPE. One of my doctors told me I needed the surgery ASAP. Well if that’s the case, why are they all feeding me bull shit instead of doing the surgery the way the patient wants it?! So I guess ill just sit here and rot with this cancer in me, right? I don’t get it. Every day I’m learning something new.. Weather it has to do with doctors feeding me bullshit, people saying if I need something to let them know (lies), anything.. But mostly what I’ve learned, you can’t count on anyone BUT YOURSELF.

Like I’ve said many times.. I should be worrying about what I’m going to wear tomorrow, not worrying about having cancer. No 27 year old, or any person for that matter should be having to go through this. Its only been a little over 3 months, but it feels like 3 years. One thing I know for sure, this has taught me how to be one strong, tough bitch, and this will just be one more fight to add to the books that I’m gonna win.

 

Im a Mutant!

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It’s been a while since I wrote my last blog. I haven’t wrote in a while because I was trying to keep my mind off everything, and try and focus on being myself again. The past few weeks, I started training for my upcoming show in April, started dieting, and becoming my crazy funny self again (with abs of course). I finally could wake up happy, feeling like the worst was behind me. Yea well, that didn’t last long. It was just the calm before the storm. Story of my life. When you have cancer, you think its just a tumor, you get surgery, go through a bunch of physical/emotional bull shit, get your treatments, and your done. Umm nope. Its not only all that, its test, after test, waiting, and more waiting. Its mostly a stressful inconvenience if you ask me. So, where to start…

About 3 weeks ago I had a few tests done. I had what they call genetic testing. In a nut shell, they basically tested me to see if I carry the breast/ovarian cancer Gene. Since I’m so young, and cancer runs very high in my family, my doctor thought it would be a good idea to get tested. Well, low and behold, a mutation was found in my results. What does this mean? It means I have an up to 40% chance of developing ovarian cancer, and up to 87% chance of the breast cancer coming back. The mutation that was found, was inherited from either my mother or my father. (thanks a lot guys) My doctor said 1 in 800 people carry this mutation. Not bad, right? But then she told me that 1 in 40 Ashkenazi Jews (which I am) carry it. Well fuck me, and you all make fun of me being a Jew! If the Jews weren’t put through enough with the Holocaust, now we have to deal with high rates of Cancer. WTF!

With the genetic testing being positive, and my age being so young my doctor highly recommends a double mastectomy and reconstruction. It’s the smartest thing to do, and will save my life in the end. After giving me a few options on how to do it and expressing her opinion, she asked me “What’s your opinion?” What’s my opinion? My opinion is, this is bull shit! I should be deciding where to go on vacation this year, or what to wear tomorrow for work. I shouldn’t be having to make these life altering decisions at 27 years old. And to be honest, there isn’t really much of a choice. I have to do what’s best for me and my health, and my future. But hell, I just spent $7500 on these bad boys to make them perfect.. Now I have to get them removed and reconstructed. What a waste, can I get a refund?!

These past few days has really been a mind fuck. (Excuse my language this whole blog) The show I was planning on doing in April.. Yea, that’s not happening now. That long weekend vacation I was planning in Mexico, that’s not happening. Once again, everything is placed on hold. To think, I was just happy and hopeful a few days ago.. Now I’m back to feeling numb and pissed off. I feel like I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster for months now and its never ending. I’m very bitchy while dieting and training, now add this on top of it.. Watch out world!

I have no more than 3 weeks to decide, but its pretty obvious in what the choice will be. Until then, I will still train and diet, in hopes that my doctor will say she made a mistake, or hope that this is all a dream and I will wake up happy and healthy tomorrow!

A New Angel

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“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

When you lose someone you love, you gain an Angel. Tuesday January 7th, 2014 was that day.

Shelberg aka Shelly was like my 2nd mother that could actually cook. My brother and I grew up next door torturing her and Jay (her husband) and driving them crazy, along with her 2 children Cori and Jayson. From Winston Day Camp,holiday gatherings, to birthday bashes and weddings.. Both families were always together. We became family. I’ve heard before, “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others life.” And that’s exactly what we did, we brought joy and happiness in each others lives, and have continued to do so throughout the years.

Shelly was one of the most caring, strong and loving people I have ever known and an amazing, crazy mother and wife. She was always making sure everything was ok, and putting others before herself. If you put her in a kitchen, she’d stay there for days cooking, and baking. Always making us fresh bread, homemade ice cream, and m&m pancakes. “ALICE! We gotta fatten you up!” she would say while putting more food in front of me. So many amazing memories I will always remember and smile about.

Last year while competing, Shelly would call my mom and say “Chrissy, what the hell is wrong with Allie, what is she eating? You see her muscles? Shes too skinny, she is crazy!” There was not one thing Shelly wouldn’t say. If its on her mind or bothering her, you will certainly know about it! And that’s one of the many reasons why I loved her. She pushed through every single day, with out a care in the world and holding her head up high. Nothing could stop her. She was the true definition of strength, and I hope to be as strong as her one day.

As I prepare myself for my up coming competition, I have in mind that I’m not only doing this for myself, but I’m doing this for her too. Although she thought I was crazy with bodybuilding, she was also proud and inspired. Now she is the one I’m inspired by, and I wont let anything stop me. She was so worried about me having cancer, and just wanted me to get better. And thats exactly what I intend to do. I am going to fight through my treatments and come out on top because I know that would make her so happy and proud.

Shelly will always and forever be in our hearts. She was not only my 2nd mother, she was family, and a friend. We all now have another Angel watching over us, and Heaven has one hell of a chef.

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.
Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/f/family_quotes.html#0H5DPTJjMW9fStwF.99
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.
Read more at http://www.notable-quotes.com/f/family_quotes.html#0H5DPTJjMW9fStwF.99She was one of the most caring, loving, strongest woman I have ever met. Always making sure everyone was ok, and putting others before herself.

Here’s to the New Year!

fuckcancer

A New Year’s resolution is a secular tradition, found around the world, in which a person makes a promise to do an act of self-improvement starting on New Years Day.

The new year is fast approaching. Time for resolutions. Like others, I always make them and rarely stick to them. This year will hopefully be different. Most people are probably thinking up ways and hoping to lose a few pounds or quit smoking. As for me, this New Years is a little different. This is not like someone trying to quit smoking.This is not like attempting to shed a few pounds. This Resolution is one I have to stick to. It’s funny how I look back at my past resolutions. They seem so silly now compared to this. I’m going to stay strong and fight like hell to get and stay healthy and be Cancer free! This is my future. Morbid to say, but this is life or death.

I never could have imagined my New Year starting out like this, let alone my life going like this. People keep telling me “God has a path for you, god is good and powerful.” Those who choose to believe that, that’s fine, I can’t argue. I personally don’t believe in god. I don’t believe that “someone” so powerful could take away loved ones from one another, or make them sick. What I do believe strongly in is, shit happens.

After the New Year I will be starting my treatments, and hoping for NO MORE surgeries. I’m not quite sure how im feeling about these next steps, but its one step closer to getting better and being Cancer free! I still don’t think its completely hit me. It hits me in spurts. I lay in bed sometimes and cant help but cry and think “is this real, am I dreaming?” Everything still feels like a dream. It gets a little more real when certain things happen.. Like when I’m sitting in the doctors office with my mom, and people are shocked to see that I’m the patient, not my mom. Or when I have to ask my friends if I look happy or not, or if I look sick or not. Its hard to believe that I have Cancer. The word Cancer itself just makes me cringe. That’s why I blog, because its hard to say the damn “C word” out loud.

I keep having the same dream over and over. I dream that I’m bald, sitting in a white dress, on a bench in the middle of a open beach by myself. The sun is setting and wind is blowing. I’m looking up with my eyes closed, feeling the wind blow on my face. Even though I have no hair in the dream, it feels like the wind is blowing through my hair. I have this dream almost every night.. It makes me feel that everything is going to be ok, and has me feeling at peace. Its also telling me that a vacation is much needed!!

With all this said, New Years Eve is tomorrow and I say screw New Years Resolutions! Every day from here on out, I will continue to be strong and focus on getting better and staying healthy. Here’s to a great 2014!!