“There’s gonna be some stuff you gonna see that’s gonna make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and all the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile though all this bullshit.” -Tupac.
My best friend sent this quote to me this morning, and it couldn’t be more correct. I’m pushing through and staying strong with a smile on my face. BUT, I’ am allowed to have my bad days.. And my bad days usually happen with people’s ignorant comments and responses. When people ask me how are you really feeling about this, my response is “I’m sad.” You would think most peoples response would be, “that’s understandable.” but nope. People have said to me “Why are you sad? Didn’t they take the tumor out?” Wait a second… are you kidding me? Cancer is NOT just a tumor. Yes, the tumor is removed.. but i STILL have cancer. No matter how old you are, YOU tell me how you would feel and how you would handle it if you were told you had cancer. SO.. why am I sad?
I’m sad because after my 2nd surgery, the cancer is still not out and I have to prepare myself for my THIRD surgery all in just one month.
I’m sad because my 88 year old healthy grandmother tells me she wishes she could trade places with me. She tells me, shes lived her life, and i haven’t even lived mine yet.
I’m sad because in January I was going to prepare for my next bodybuilding competition. I look forward to training hard and watching my body morph into a shredded 95 pound beast. And now, I cant.
I’m sad because I will be on a medicine for at least 5 years, and it doesn’t allow me to have kids any time in the near future.
I’m sad because I’m physically in pain. This last surgery has made me feel like someone beat the shit out of me. My doctor went into my lymph nodes through my armpit. She also went back into the same incision in my breast that wasn’t even fully healed from the 1st surgery.
I’m sad because i am NOT myself. I’m always crazy, silly,and funny.. Now, if you look at me.. I feel like you can look right through the “smile” on my face. I’m numb, there’s nothing there. I don’t even remember my days because I’m so out of it.. I just want to sleep and have it be the next day already.
Now, ask me again “Why are you sad?”