Why are you sad?

                                                         

“There’s gonna be some stuff you gonna see that’s gonna make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and all the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile though all this bullshit.” -Tupac.

My best friend sent this quote to me this morning, and it couldn’t be more correct. I’m pushing through and staying strong with a smile on my face. BUT, I’ am allowed to have my bad days.. And my bad days usually happen with people’s ignorant comments and responses. When people ask me how are you really feeling about this, my response is “I’m sad.” You would think most peoples response would be, “that’s understandable.” but nope. People have said to me “Why are you sad? Didn’t they take the tumor out?” Wait a second… are you kidding me? Cancer is NOT just a tumor. Yes, the tumor is removed.. but i STILL have cancer. No matter how old you are, YOU tell me how you would feel and how you would handle it if you were told you had cancer. SO.. why am I sad?

I’m sad because after my 2nd surgery, the cancer is still not out and I have to prepare myself for my THIRD surgery all in just one month.

I’m sad because my 88 year old healthy grandmother tells me she wishes she could trade places with me. She tells me, shes lived her life, and i haven’t even lived mine yet.

I’m sad because in January I was going to prepare for my next bodybuilding competition. I look forward to training hard and watching my body morph into a shredded 95 pound beast. And now, I cant.

I’m sad because I will be on a medicine for at least 5 years, and it doesn’t allow me to have kids any time in the near future.

I’m sad because I’m physically in pain. This last surgery has made me feel like someone beat the shit out of me. My doctor went into my lymph nodes through my armpit. She also went back into the same incision in my breast that wasn’t even fully healed from the 1st surgery.

I’m sad because i am NOT myself. I’m always crazy, silly,and funny.. Now, if you look at me.. I feel like you can look right through the “smile” on my face. I’m numb, there’s nothing there. I don’t even remember my days because I’m so out of it.. I just want to sleep and have it be the next day already.

Now, ask me again “Why are you sad?”

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6 thoughts on “Why are you sad?

  1. Allie, that made me tear up. Everyone loves you. You are strong. Beautiful. Resilient. You can do this!!!! You’re in my thoughts everyday as well as a ton of others. Xoxoxox

  2. I think this blog is a great idea and its great for you to get your feelings out. You are going to be a 95 lb beast again and I can’t wait for the day! I love you boo I wish I had all the right words to say but I don’t but I can say that I’m here for you whenever you need me.

  3. You def are one crazy mofo that’s for sure, but in the same breath Rhys y I love you. Guess that makes me just as big of a nut bag. My love n heart is always with you gurl n you know this has been the case for the last 14 years and isn’t about to change anytime soon. You know there will always be tons of your friends and fam there for you through thick and thin but they all have to wait behind this giant ass cuz I got you boo my smelly Lil J** :-3)

  4. Allie you are such a strong person. Not only are you gonna kick cancers ass but you are sharing your feelings about you’re experience! neither of which many people in this world have to endure or do. you are such an inspiration in so many ways!!! praying for you xoxoxox ❤

  5. Bestie..We met a year and a half ago and bonded with competition season and became best friends. I appreciate our close friendship and cherish what we got. You were there for me in my worst of times and always stuck by my side and I have done the same for you n will continue to do so. I am upset about you moving but will look forward to seeing you and all of us hanging out. Love ya bestie.

  6. Hello Allie,
    I Just recently stumbled across this story and what you’ve been going through!
    I hate to hear this!No one should have to go through this! Especially you!
    You are a Beautiful,Talented and Strong women , with a very kind soul! Your Motivation and Determination to kick this in its ASS, Is both Inspirational and Humbling to me!
    You are truly a SuperHero!
    I will continue to Pray for you and your beautiful family! “Always Stay You!”

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