Love You Forever

“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

That’s the famous lines from the book “Love You Forever” written by Robert Munsch. My mom used to read that book to me every night before I went to sleep. As she would repeat those lines, her eyes would fill with tears and she’d kiss me on my forehead goodnight.  I couldn’t wait to grow up, get married, and have a child of my own to read that story to.

“When are you gonna have a little one of your own??” Is a question I hear at least twice a week. You get married, and people automatically think the next step is babies. When asked that question, I tell people I don’t want kids. When in fact, I most definitely do… I tell people that because I need to cover up and hide the pain of the fact that I most likely will NOT be able to have a child of my own.

Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is a common hormonal disorder among women. With PCOS, your ovaries are enlarged, and contain cysts on them. Some women have a irregular menstrual period. and some don’t have one at all, like myself unless on birth control. So like other woman, I do not produce an egg each month, resulting in infertility. When you don’t menstruate, your lining doesn’t shed, which increases the chances of cancer cells. (which I already had once before)

When a woman is diagnosed with cancer, egg freezing is offered (at a high price) for a chance to preserve eggs prior to treatments. Many chemotherapy drugs will destroy the eggs stored in the ovaries. Which at this point, I don’t have any. There is also a risk of premature menopause after chemo. So not only do I have PCOS against me, I also have cancer.

Yes, there is other options, like adoption or using someone elses eggs.. But being a married female, you WANT it to be an option to have a child of your own. I pictured a little tan, blue eyed, curly black haired Jew-Rican baby running around driving Justin and I crazy. Recently, with all of this on my chest (pun intended), I have become more emotional than ever before. I cry when I look at pictures of my friends babies, I cry when I see a girl happy and pregnant, and I cry seeing a father or mother hold their child.. Friends of mine are having kids, people I went to school with have kids, or are getting ready to have kids. People that don’t want kids have kids, and others don’t deserve kids. Mean to say, but its the truth. People tell me “worry about your health right now, thats most important” Yes, it is.. But all I can think about is this. I wanted to do my last bodybuilding competition in April, then try and have a baby. Now that’s not even an option right now. Even if i were able to, I am going to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years, which is a hormone blocker so the cancer wont come back.

I type this blog teary eyed knowing I may not be able to make my husband Justin the greatest father ever, give my parents grand kids, make my brother an Uncle, or read them the story like my mom did. “I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”

7 thoughts on “Love You Forever

  1. Your blog has me in tears..I’m so so sorry your going through all of this. When I say I’m sending my thoughts and prayers, I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

  2. I can not imagine what you are going through, I also can’t sit here and say MIRACLES HAPPEN. What I can say is, I’ll let you borrow my son anytime you want seriously, take him anytime for as long as you want. He has hazel eyes but tan skin, most definitely will drive you crazy lol. Plus pregnancy is not fun those happy women are just as fake as ugly chicks fb profile pics. You are still young though girl and if you stress the future possibilities now, it’s only going to make the present harder. I know I know ( I don’t get it) but I was told I couldn’t have kids after an ectopic pregnancy and drove myself crazy, well woops I have a misfit that proved them wrong.

  3. In a worse case scenario, where you did have to adopt, you would be able to do all of those things. You could make Justin the best father, your parents would be grandparents, your brother an uncle, and you would someone to read that book to. Not only that, you would allow a child to experience all of that as well that wouldn’t have the opportunity if it wasn’t for you!

  4. Allie it sucks that you have to go through this… People don’t realize this flip side of the cancer coin at your age…All I can tell you is we will love you forever…

  5. To read your blog is truly inspirational. But don’t take away the fact that you and your husband can be parents( and better ones than some biological parents) Many people have children who don’t deserve them but that doesn’t make them parents, raising them do. You can still be a wonderful mother and watch your husband be a great father, because at the end of the day that baby needs the two of you to nurture, love, teach morals and their ABCs. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others become strong.

  6. IYou’re strong and beautiful woman. You will beat this cancer cause you can’t take a NO for an answer, you will win this battle and this storm will pass. For now just dance in the rain. Cry all you want, don’t ever hold any anger or emotions inside, let everything out it doesn’t matter what it is just let it out. Every morning when you look into the mirror remind yourself how beautiful, strong, fighter, kind, caring, powerful, amazing, unique, winner you are. You’re the best creation of God and he have a plan for you. Have faith, believe and never EVER give up!

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