“I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”
That’s the famous lines from the book “Love You Forever” written by Robert Munsch. My mom used to read that book to me every night before I went to sleep. As she would repeat those lines, her eyes would fill with tears and she’d kiss me on my forehead goodnight. I couldn’t wait to grow up, get married, and have a child of my own to read that story to.
“When are you gonna have a little one of your own??” Is a question I hear at least twice a week. You get married, and people automatically think the next step is babies. When asked that question, I tell people I don’t want kids. When in fact, I most definitely do… I tell people that because I need to cover up and hide the pain of the fact that I most likely will NOT be able to have a child of my own.
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is a common hormonal disorder among women. With PCOS, your ovaries are enlarged, and contain cysts on them. Some women have a irregular menstrual period. and some don’t have one at all, like myself unless on birth control. So like other woman, I do not produce an egg each month, resulting in infertility. When you don’t menstruate, your lining doesn’t shed, which increases the chances of cancer cells. (which I already had once before)
When a woman is diagnosed with cancer, egg freezing is offered (at a high price) for a chance to preserve eggs prior to treatments. Many chemotherapy drugs will destroy the eggs stored in the ovaries. Which at this point, I don’t have any. There is also a risk of premature menopause after chemo. So not only do I have PCOS against me, I also have cancer.
Yes, there is other options, like adoption or using someone elses eggs.. But being a married female, you WANT it to be an option to have a child of your own. I pictured a little tan, blue eyed, curly black haired Jew-Rican baby running around driving Justin and I crazy. Recently, with all of this on my chest (pun intended), I have become more emotional than ever before. I cry when I look at pictures of my friends babies, I cry when I see a girl happy and pregnant, and I cry seeing a father or mother hold their child.. Friends of mine are having kids, people I went to school with have kids, or are getting ready to have kids. People that don’t want kids have kids, and others don’t deserve kids. Mean to say, but its the truth. People tell me “worry about your health right now, thats most important” Yes, it is.. But all I can think about is this. I wanted to do my last bodybuilding competition in April, then try and have a baby. Now that’s not even an option right now. Even if i were able to, I am going to be on Tamoxifen for 5 years, which is a hormone blocker so the cancer wont come back.
I type this blog teary eyed knowing I may not be able to make my husband Justin the greatest father ever, give my parents grand kids, make my brother an Uncle, or read them the story like my mom did. “I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”