A New Year’s resolution is a secular tradition, found around the world, in which a person makes a promise to do an act of self-improvement starting on New Years Day.
The new year is fast approaching. Time for resolutions. Like others, I always make them and rarely stick to them. This year will hopefully be different. Most people are probably thinking up ways and hoping to lose a few pounds or quit smoking. As for me, this New Years is a little different. This is not like someone trying to quit smoking.This is not like attempting to shed a few pounds. This Resolution is one I have to stick to. It’s funny how I look back at my past resolutions. They seem so silly now compared to this. I’m going to stay strong and fight like hell to get and stay healthy and be Cancer free! This is my future. Morbid to say, but this is life or death.
I never could have imagined my New Year starting out like this, let alone my life going like this. People keep telling me “God has a path for you, god is good and powerful.” Those who choose to believe that, that’s fine, I can’t argue. I personally don’t believe in god. I don’t believe that “someone” so powerful could take away loved ones from one another, or make them sick. What I do believe strongly in is, shit happens.
After the New Year I will be starting my treatments, and hoping for NO MORE surgeries. I’m not quite sure how im feeling about these next steps, but its one step closer to getting better and being Cancer free! I still don’t think its completely hit me. It hits me in spurts. I lay in bed sometimes and cant help but cry and think “is this real, am I dreaming?” Everything still feels like a dream. It gets a little more real when certain things happen.. Like when I’m sitting in the doctors office with my mom, and people are shocked to see that I’m the patient, not my mom. Or when I have to ask my friends if I look happy or not, or if I look sick or not. Its hard to believe that I have Cancer. The word Cancer itself just makes me cringe. That’s why I blog, because its hard to say the damn “C word” out loud.
I keep having the same dream over and over. I dream that I’m bald, sitting in a white dress, on a bench in the middle of a open beach by myself. The sun is setting and wind is blowing. I’m looking up with my eyes closed, feeling the wind blow on my face. Even though I have no hair in the dream, it feels like the wind is blowing through my hair. I have this dream almost every night.. It makes me feel that everything is going to be ok, and has me feeling at peace. Its also telling me that a vacation is much needed!!
With all this said, New Years Eve is tomorrow and I say screw New Years Resolutions! Every day from here on out, I will continue to be strong and focus on getting better and staying healthy. Here’s to a great 2014!!