What about me?

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I’ve never really been one to express my feelings, or good at it. Well, unless I’m telling you to go fuck yourself. I’m really good at that. I usually bottle everything up, and keep it moving. I am slowly learning that this is not the way to handle my current situation. I’ve been bottling up all my anger and emotions, that it gets to a point where I just blow up and stay in complete bitch mode. But in all honesty, can you blame me? The past few weeks I have been dealing with more Doctors than one can imagine. It’s so overwhelming, and beyond stressful. Most of my new doctors are in NYC, and lord knows I will NOT let my mother drive, let alone in the city. Stevie Wonder could drive better than her. It’s beyond stressful trying to find rides to my appointments, take off of work, the snow. Its just a lot to handle right now.

So whats been going on lately you ask? THREE doctors so far have been telling me the same thing over and over about my next surgery and reconstruction. They all suggested and insisted on what they call a Flap Reconstruction. A flap reconstruction is where they remove fat from certain areas of your body to reconstruct your new Cancer Free boobies. They usually take the fat from your stomach giving you a tummy tuck, or from the butt giving you a butt lift, or inner thighs. Now, this would be awesome if I actually had some fat on my body! When I went for my consultation, the doctor took a look at me and said “wow, you really don’t have a lot of fat on your body.” No shit Doc! KNOWING that I don’t have enough fat on just one area, the doctor proceeds to tell me that they will take the fat from ALL 3 areas just to reconstruct my breasts. The hell you wont! I’ve told all the doctors over and over I DO NOT want to do it this way, I don’t want more scars all over my body. I’m scarred enough emotionally, I don’t need anymore visible ones! I just want my breasts to look perfect again with implants! I’m self conscious as it is, and its MY BODY. 

I’m very good at speaking my mind, and the doctors even said its been a while since they’ve had a patient like me. So needless to say, I’ve basically told these doctors to go eff themselves. This is MY body, I AM the one with cancer, and I AM the one that is going through this. If they aren’t going to do the surgery the way I WANT it, I will go find another doctor that will. I spoke to the doctor that did my moms reconstruction, and he agrees with me, and refereed me to a doctor in NYC. My moms doctor no longer does the surgeries, or I would have him do it. So right now I’m at a stand still, and just waiting for my next few appointments.

It’s funny how when your younger, you believe anything and everything a doctor tells you. As you get older, you realize a lot is bull shit, and a lot is to benefit them. What, you want more credibility just because your 1 of a few doctors in the country that can do this surgery?! I don’t care if Jesus himself did the surgery. I’m NOT doing it! If I was their daughter, would they be giving me the run around still?? NOPE. One of my doctors told me I needed the surgery ASAP. Well if that’s the case, why are they all feeding me bull shit instead of doing the surgery the way the patient wants it?! So I guess ill just sit here and rot with this cancer in me, right? I don’t get it. Every day I’m learning something new.. Weather it has to do with doctors feeding me bullshit, people saying if I need something to let them know (lies), anything.. But mostly what I’ve learned, you can’t count on anyone BUT YOURSELF.

Like I’ve said many times.. I should be worrying about what I’m going to wear tomorrow, not worrying about having cancer. No 27 year old, or any person for that matter should be having to go through this. Its only been a little over 3 months, but it feels like 3 years. One thing I know for sure, this has taught me how to be one strong, tough bitch, and this will just be one more fight to add to the books that I’m gonna win.

 

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3 thoughts on “What about me?

  1. Allie you are both strong and corageous for sharing your story. I wish they would find a cure for this stupid disease! Know that you have so many people from Justin, your parents, friends….that care and are praying for you. You guys need a trip to FL to get your mind off things for a few days! Stay strong doll and I’ll keep praying and sending good vibes your way!

  2. It’s so true what you said about doctor’s always trying to give patients the run around. It’s YOUR body. You do what YOU feel is best for you.

    Also, the very last sentence of this post says it all. Whenever you are feeling absolutely hopeless or helpless or frustrated beyond belief, please re-read that. And don’t ever forget it. xo.

  3. Honey this is your Uncle John. Please know that we love you and will always be here for you. And THAT’S NO BULLSHIT!!! Since you mentioned Jimmy V in an earlier blog, I posted his speech here. Whenever you feel down, you can watch his speech. Love you baby….

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