“When someone has Cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does too”
It wasn’t until recently I realized how true this statement is, and realized what a bitch I’ve been. I’ve realized that I am NOT the only one fighting and struggling here. My family are going through it too, and my close friends are going through it too. It kills me inside knowing that my dad lost his mother, father, and sister to Cancer, now his baby girl has it too. I guess I really never thought about how he feels. My moms Dad had thyroid and prostate cancer, and her grandmother died from ovarian cancer. I never gave it a thought to how she feels. I haven’t really thought about how anyone feels. I’ve been so selfish, and numb. Sad to say, but I honestly don’t care about anything anymore. I have become so numb to everything. I’m disconnected with friends, family, and even myself.
Its been an extremely ROUGH few months. Just when I thought I was at rock bottom, it got even worse. I struggled with having no health insurance for almost 2 months, having to cancel all of my appointments and place everything on hold. That stressed me out more than anything. On top of health issues, I’ve been having other issues too.. We had a leak in our bathroom.. trying to find the leak, we found MOLD. Tons of it. Needless to say, we need to find some place to stay until the issue is resolved. How about my newly broken nose? I posted a picture on instagram that some people asked as to why I did that? A few reasons why… First of all, it was hilarious! My face was a bloody mess! I’m a sick fuck, I know. Anyways, My life has literally been an open book and on blast lately. I blog to vent, to tell my story, I put pictures on instagram that tell my story.. If its something extremely personal, I’d never write about it. But for now, I tell my story through writing and pictures. Those of you who didnt see, the picture I posted was me in the hospital with my poor bloody face. What happened? I took a door to the face like a champ! The edge of the door got my eye, nose and lip. 9 Stitches in my eye, 2 in my nose, and a HUGE lip and a broken nose. Which is fine, because i wanted a nose job anyways! But in all seriousness, I’ve never felt pain like that in my life. It hurts like a motherrrrr right now! Best part of the story is, my health insurance became affective that night! So, why not break my nose and test out my health insurance and make sure it works!
So when i say Rock Bottom.. I honestly don’t even think there is a rock bottom. Shit just happens, and seems to get worse. Every time I say it’s gotta get better or it cant get any worse.. It just seems to get worse. I can’t catch a break. When it rains it pours, Aint that the truth! I know I say it all the time, but all of this really makes you see who your real friends are and who comes to help when in need. I haven’t even heard from some so called “friends” in weeks. I’ve come to realize there are many types of friends
- Part time friends- These are friends that are only there when THEY need something or when THEY are having a problem. Minute I need them, or something goes wrong with me.. Where the fuck are they?!
- Fake friends- These are the friends that only text you or reach out to you to see what happened because they are nosey. They dont care, they just want to know what happened or whats wrong.
- Real friends- These are the friends that are by my side no matter what. I only have a few of them, and although I may not seem thankful.. I am super thankful and grateful I have you guys by my side.
Needless to say… Part time and fake friends, I dont have time for you. As i said earlier in the blog, I honestly do not care about anything, or anyone thats not important to me. I have way too much shit going on, and beyond stressed to be bothered. This is just me venting and ranting. I know everyone reads my blog, and it makes me feel better to get shit off my chest.
Sorry for kinda getting off topic..
Anyways, Now that I have my insurance back, I’m making all of my appointments again. My surgery will be in the next few weeks. Finally! The doctors were starting to get nervous because I haven’t had any treatment yet. Its been way to long to not have treatment or surgery yet, so they’re rushing to get my surgery. One of the things that makes me beyond mad, is that I could have been training this whole time to do my next competition. Which is next week. My doctor told me I need the surgery ASAP and couldn’t train or compete. HA! I totally could have done it, and now I’m so upset that my girlfriend is competing in her FIRST show next weekend, and I have to sit in the audience and watch, instead of being up on stage by her side. (I’ll be screaming out your name Sarah, and watching you take first <3)
That’s just something I’ve been starting to get used to, and numb.. Disappointments. Since November, everything has been a disappointment. Sometimes I just sit back and look at my life and say “What the fuck has my life come too? How did I get to this place I’m at now?” I get down on myself. I see my scars all over my body, you can see the pain in my face.. But then I think to myself again, I have a family that loves me, an amazing husband that loves me more than life (who i take for granted) and some really great friends. I have all this support, and thats what keeps me going each day. Being hurt like I am now, with my busted “bad ass” face, shows how strong I really am. I scare myself with how strong I’ve become. In these next few weeks, im only going to get stronger!!