I feel it is important not to get overly obsessed and overly carried away with just the physical aspect. There is more to beauty than just the physical appearance. You are also a complete person, and a women should have an identity beyond just the way she looks.
I take this quote to the heart but I wish I could completely feel this way.. It’s hard to wake up every morning knowing my breasts are gone.. I can barely look in the mirror, or look at myself. It’s not even the fact that they are gone, it’s how they look. I look down and see the scars and bruises. I think of What they will look like when this is over.. I think that I won’t just be physically scarred, I will be emotionally scarred as well. Other times, I look at my scars and see something else.. I see me, a 28 year old girl who’s trying to battle something terrifying.. Something that i should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my strength to survive and get through this. They’re part of my story and they will always be there.
It’s been 2 weeks since my major surgery. I’m still very much in pain, and beyond uncomfortable. I’m still not able to sleep on my side, so I just lay there every night like a vampire. It’s still hard to get out if bed by myself. Sometimes it will take me 5 minutes to get out of bed, other times it will take me 15 minutes. Good news is, I finally just got all my drains out. I haven’t really cried yet, but the drains were hurting so bad, I’d wake up in the middle of the night crying. The doctor said he didn’t know how I wasn’t complaining earlier. My drains were so inflamed and starting to get irritated and infected. Thank god he took them out!! Now I just have some holes where they were, and he said they will heal on their own. Now that they are out, I’m finally able to wear some normal clothes. I’m very self conscious now. I can’t wear a bra, so you can see how distorted my breasts are through my shirt.. I bought these little tank tops with padding in it, so it’s not as bad.. But i still know what they look like under there. It’s still hard to shower on my own due to the soreness and not being able to move as good. My sister in law washes my hair in the sink, blows it out and makes it look sooo nice. That makes me feel a lot better about myself. I’m so sore and bruised, that from the middle of my stomach and up, are so swelled up. I feel like I look like a buffalo because I’m so swollen. I can honestly say I wasn’t sure what I was expecting going into all of this.. But I don’t think I was expecting to be so insecure, and self conscious. Physically, mentally, emotionally… It takes a lot out of you. Some days I just want to lay in bed all day and not get up.. I see people posting pictures at the gym, going out with friends, having fun and being happy.. It’s heavy on my heart knowing I can’t and won’t be able to do any of that for a while. My friends have been amazing though. Having dinners and BBQs for me, surprising me with flowers and gifts.. So I can’t complain too much. They have been my saviors. Every day I’m beyond thankful I have the greatest friends by my side. Supporting me, rooting for me, standing by me. I say it all the time.. But in my life I’ll never be able to thank them enough!!
May 27th will be my first chemo treatment. I’ll be doing 3 months of chemo, every 3 weeks, 6 hours at a time. It doesn’t sound that bad.. 3 months will fly by. Right?? About 2 weeks after my first treatment I’ll start to lose my hair.. And about 2/3 days after treatment is when I’ll start to get sick. In my head, the worst part is already over. The worst part is my breasts being gone, and hacked up. I looked at the pros and cons of chemo..
I’ll lose my hair
I’ll lose maybe gain weight
I’ll be super fatigued
I’ll be nauseous
I’ll rid my body of cancer!!! And that’s all I care about.
The chemo will be given intravenously, which means it will be pumped through my veins.. But my veins are so shot from all the IVs and blood drawn, they will probably have to put a port in. A port Is surgically inserted into my chest and will stay there until the 3 months of chemo is over. It’s also easier to give blood that way too, because they said they can just stick the needle in the port. You won’t really be able to see it, you’ll just be able to see a little bump, and definitely be able to feel it. So now I have 2 weeks to try and mentally prepare myself for what is really going to happen.. As of now, I’m ok.. But I feel like when the day comes, I’ll be feeling differently. Do I get a wig? Do I rock out bald and own it? I’m not sure.. I’ve still been looking at wigs and seeing what would work best. Thankfully my insurance covers the wig, so if I go that route I won’t have to worry.
It’s hard to explain all these emotions that are going through my head.. I feel like a stranger in my own body. I feel disconnected from myself. I read the other day “one must not forget that recovery is brought about not by the physician, but by the sick man himself. He heels himself, by his own power, exactly as he walks by means of his own power, or eats, or thinks, breathes, or sleeps.” And this will help me get through this long cancer journey I’ve been battling. Knowing that it’s only me, that can get me through this.