All you need at the end of the day is hope and strength. Hope that it will get better, and strength to hold on until it does.
I never thought my first day would come and go where I’d be sitting in a recliner in a Cancer Center, getting my veins pumped with chemo.. Thursday May 29th was my first treatment. This entire time I’ve been battling cancer, I haven’t really been scared. Overwhelmed and anxious, yes.. Scared not so much.. This was the first time I was able to admit, I was absolutely terrified. Terrified of the side effects, terrified something may go wrong.. Every bad thought that I could possibly think of, was in the back of my head..
8:25am I arrive at the Cancer Center in Hackensack, wearing all pink of course. I kept joking around and acting like I was going to walk out! Finally I made it up to the 4th floor, palms sweaty and heart beating out of control. We got to the room and the lady told me to pick a seat anywhere. At this time, the room was empty. I picked a nice corner window recliner by the window, so I could at least have some “privacy”. The room began to fill up with other cancer patients.. As I looked around, of course.. I was the youngest patient there. Thats when I started to get the looks.. The looks of people feeling bad, and sad for me. That is the LAST thing I want. Yes, I’m young.. But scared or not, my spirits are high, and I’ve got this. A cute little old man came up and introduced himself asking if I wanted blankets, pillows, cookies.. Anything I wanted he would get me. The staff was amazing and so helpful.
9am My nurse finally comes over and tries to get my IV started. And when I say TRY to get it started, it was a bitch. She stuck me 3 times not being able to get it in. She said my veins are not only shot, but they are so strong from working out, that she couldn’t get the IV started. Made me smile, not only am I strong, but my veins are too! Fuck you cancer! Last attempt, they were finally able to get the IV and get the meds flowing to calm me down before the steroids, anti nauseous, and 2 different kinda of chemo kicked it. Next time I will be getting a port implanted in my chest to make things easier. The port will go into my chest, and this little tube will be hooked up to a vein by my heart. I’ll get chemo through there, scans through there, and blood drawn from there. Much easier. It will stay in my chest for about a year. The nurse says it will hurt for about 3 weeks, but after what I just went through, I’m sure it will be a cake walk. So now I’m just chillin in my comfy recliner, while Justin and Poke take pictures and sleep the day away in their hard little chairs that they can barely fit in! I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to be aware of my first time getting chemo, and see what was going on. Once the chemo itself started pumping through.. Holy burning veins!!! You sure felt that shit going through your veins.. Every 15 minutes id ask politely to mix it with Saleen so it didn’t burn so bad. That helped a lot!!
2:15pm “ok Allie! Your first treatment is over!” That’s it I said?! Hell yes, get me out of here!!! I felt pretty good so far, besides my veins burning a bit. As I was still feeling pretty good, we went to eat because I didn’t know when I’d start to feel the side effects. We got home around 6pm, and let me tell you… I was donzo. I was beyond exhausted, I didn’t wake up till the next morning! Waking up was a little weird.. I had a horrible migraine, dizzy and a little nauseous. I had to go all the way back to the cancer center that day to get a shot to boost my white blood cells. It’s so funny, they give me a shot to boost my white blood cells.. But the shot also makes me sick. Flu like symptoms, and horrible bone aches. Great, one more side effect to add on. I packed the car that day with a bunch of water, and a few barf bags just in case. I was pretty ok, just tried to close my eyes in the car most of the time. We drive an hour and a half just for this shot. 5 minutes is all it took! We drove all that way for a 5 minute shot that hurt and burned like hell!!! And of course, I had my photographer Pokey there documenting my whole experience, duh!
The way home I stated to feel a little sicker, more tired and more nauseous. We got home around 4:30pm or so, and I passed right out. I hear Justin come home around 6:00pm, I rolled over from bed, looked up.. And come to find my 2 greatest friends standing in the door way from Florida surprising me! My jaw literally dropped.. It took a minute to process everything. I couldn’t believe that they were actually standing in my doorway surprising me!! It’s things like this that boost my spirits. All the love, and support.. If I wasn’t so out of it, I probably would have cried!!!
So now, it’s Saturday morning May 31st, about 8:30am. I can’t sleep due to being so nauseous. I woke up a few times in the middle of the night wanting to throw up, but I held it in as best as I could. I hate throwing up. The doctor said I’ll start to get sick Saturday night, Sunday morning.. And my hair will start to come out in clumps by next week. My wig was actually not covered by insurance. The wig I found is $2500!!!! The Allyson Whitney Foundation helped tremendously and donated to help me out. Thank you guys so much, I’ll be forever grateful!!!
I guess these next few days I’m just trying to prepare myself of what’s actually about to happen.. Or if anything will happen at all. All I know is, I don’t really feel like myself today. I’m exhausted, feeling weird and groggy. Thank god for my friends being here though to boost my spirits!! I need some good laughs, and I’m sure they will be taking pictures of my ups and downs too! Haha. I’m going to try and update my blog each day as much as I can to fill you guys in on how I am and what’s going on..
For those of you who don’t know.. When all is said and done, when I’m done kicking cancers ass.. This blog I’ve been working on since November, will become a published book. It’s going to be rawer than it is in the blog. I’ve been documenting and taking pictures of absolutely everything. Before pictures, during pictures.. Anything you can possibly imagine. Good pictures, gross pictures, bloody pictures… I think it’s good, for people my age, younger, and even older to see what it is that we actually have to go through on this journey. So get ready to ride these next few crazy months with me and see where my journey will end up!!!