Strength keeps me going


So here’s the bloody, bloody truth. You will hurt and you will lose. I’ve got scars you won’t believe. Wear them proudly on my sleeve. I hope ill have the sense to know, that sadness comes and sadness goes. Love so hard and play life loud. It’s the only thing to give a damn about.

There’s a few things I pride myself in.. My loyalty to others, my determination, and most of all my strength. I feel my loyalty to others is what makes me such a good person. In bad times, id never neglect or let a friend down, no matter what I’m going through.. Sad to say, that I rarely get that in return. My determination gets me through my rough times, and I’m determined not to let cancer take anything away from me. My strength has been tested every day since November, and that’s what continues to keep me going.

A lot has gone on since my first chemo treatment, so I’m not even sure where to start.. So I’ll try to fit everything in a nutshell in this blog. Everyone can see how strong I am, and how strong I have been through this all. I don’t complain about the pain, I don’t complain about my side effects, and I don’t cry. I take it like a champ, and wait for it to be all over. This time around is a little different. The pain, is unbearable. My bones physically hurt.. I’m up every few hours hysterical crying because I can’t take the pain. I can’t eat, and I can barely walk without keeling over. Every night and morning justin just holds me while I cry, because there’s nothing he can do to relieve the pain.

So, What’s causing the pain? One of the chemo meds that is given to me intravenously, has a side effect of colitis. Given all of my health issues, I already HAVE colitis. I was diagnosed in 2010. Those of you who don’t know, colitis is when the inner lining of your colon gets inflamed, causing severe stomach pains. Everyone has different side effects, and everyone’s colitis can go into a flare up for different reasons. Mine usually flares up when I’m stressed out. So not only am I stressed out, but it’s a side effect of the chemo. The pain is like no other. I can’t sleep, I just lay all day with the heating pad on my stomach. I can’t eat, because that irritates it. My weight is down to 113, which is not too bad.. But I’m so scrawny, and bloated that my belly looks like an Ethiopian.

Besides the excruciating stomach pains, my other side effects have been pretty ok. I haven’t thrown up, thank god, and my skin hasn’t really changed much of a color yet. I did start getting sores in my mouth, and my scalp is starting to hurt and burn and peel. The doctor said to shave a little at a time so it’s not such a big shock when it all comes out, And it will also relieve the burning sensation in my head. So currently my hair is in a Mohawk! Lol

Yesterday was supposed to be a good day. Of course I woke up not feeling well, but I was excited because it was my first step to getting my boobs reconstructed! I have expanders In my breast with a port on each side. Each time I go to the doctor, they fill my port with Saleen to get my breasts looking semi normal. They will continue to do so until they are the size I want them. After that, they replace the expander with a silicone implant. I can’t do the implant until the chemo is fully out of my system though, due to getting infections. I thought it was going to hurt, but I still have no feeling, and the doctor said I probably never will again. So as the doctor is filling my breasts with the Saleen, she realized there was other fluids in there.. Remember the drains I had in me, draining all the fluids?? Well they were taken out too soon. All those fluids that were supposed to be flowing out of me, were being backed up in my breasts causing pain, and starting to cause infection. So the same amount of Saleen that was injected in me, was the same amount of disgusting fluids that was taken out of me. It was literally like a water bottle filled out of each breast. It looked like penne ala vodka sauce.. It was so disgusting watching all of that come out of me. I’m so mad, that I didn’t think to video tape it at the time! So needless to say, there is NO difference in my breast. They still look gross and distorted, with no nipple. Now I have to wait another 2 weeks to get an injection, and hope and pray that there is no more fluids getting backed up in me.

Tomorrow will be a week since my first chemo treatment. I have doctors appts at least twice a week to check up on me.. Check my blood, my blood cell count, and check me in general. My next chemo treatment will be June 18th. Yay, can’t wait. At least I know what to expect. Hopefully it won’t get any worse. I’m just praying that my stomach pains get better, because the last thing I want to do is end up back in the hospital, getting pricked with IVs again, and layed up In that stupid hospital bed.

One thought on “Strength keeps me going

  1. Allie each one of your tears counts all your pain counts your words count. “But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” – C.S. Lewis
    Love you Allie.

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