Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also.
A good friend of mine sent me this quote.. I look up to this person and am so inspired by them.. Hearing them tell me how much I inspire them and how much they look up to me, It’s crazy to me.. Crazy to think that I can have this affect on someone like that.. Crazy to think I can have this affect on anyone.. It makes my heart smile. It makes me happy knowing that just by me opening up, letting the world into my life, telling my story, can change the way people look at life. I don’t blog for sympathy, pitty, or anything like that. I blog to vent, to let others know what really goes on and what I’m going through. And now, I guess I’m blogging to help others open up their eyes on life. It makes me feel good knowing I can do this for others, when that wasn’t even my intent.
As far as the quote.. I’ve always been ashamed to cry. I’ve always felt like crying was a sign of weakness.. But as the days go by, I’ve realized crying doesn’t make me weak. Holding it all in is what makes me weak. Since Saturday, I’ve been crying.. And you know what? It feels really good to finally let it out and not hold it in. I’ve been hysterical crying for multiple reasons.. I get so upset and hurt easily now. I hate that I can’t go to the gym. I’m now down to 110 pounds, no muscle and no more booty. I hate that I can’t do competitions any time soon. I hate that my summer is ruined. I hate seeing friends going out and having fun. Yes, I go out and have “fun” but, a lot of it is just a front, because in all reality, I’m breaking down inside, and my heart is broken. There’s a huge list I can go through of things that break my heart. I get upset that my life is far from normal right now. I hurt because I’m married, and this is NOT what he signed up for. Really, who’s wife gets cancer so young?! I feel bad because our life at the moment is not normal, and won’t be for a while.. But that’s all shit I need to get over. It’s my health I need to concentrate on. Not going out, going to the gym, or being jealous of others.
Sunday was a rough day for me. Thank god for the greatest friends in the world. They made me get up, and go out. It turned into a great day. Monday, not so much. I wake up to my hair falling out. The doctor said give it 2 weeks.. I guess I was in denial that it would actually start coming out in clumps. It first started coming out, I started to laugh. Then it wouldn’t stop coming out.. That’s when the tears followed.. I’d run my hands through my hair as my hair continued to fall through my finger tips onto the floor. Same as today, but even more hair is coming out today. By Friday, no doubt in my mind I’ll be bald. My eyebrows are still intact, so I’m not sure if they’ll come out too. Hoping not, but we will see. Now only if my leg hair will start to come out, then id be a happy camper!
Living and fighting with cancer, you sure have your days of ups and downs. Lately for me, it’s been a lot of downs. I’ll never forget.. After my 2nd surgery, I begged “please no more surgeries” Now.. Tomorrow, I will be going into my FIFTH surgery. Yep, another surgery. Hoping for it to be my last. It’s funny, I always say “hoping for it to be my last surgery”, then I always the up getting another one. I’m freaking out because I DO NOT want another IV in me.. They kill me with the IVs. My veins are so shot, that they hurt so bad to the point where I’m crying. Not only do I freak about the surgery, it’s all the testing leading up to it. Yesterday, I had numerous viles of blood taken as always, another EKG, and a chest X-ray. This was all after I was hysterical crying about my hair falling out.. So I had to walk into the stupid hospital, with my eyes and nose all puffy and red, looking like a hot mess. When you get a chest X-ray you can’t have any jewelry on. So the lady is taking pictures of me and says “excuse me miss, I said no jewelry. Can you please take out your nipple rings?” I looked at her like, lady I have no boobs or nipples, where the fuck am I gonna put a nipple ring?! Turns out, the ports in my breast look like nipple rings on the X-ray machine! Haha I got a good laugh at that.
As I sit here and write this blog today, I’m starting to realize how I inspire people, and make them look at life differently.. I’m 28 years old, and look at all I have been through, and what I’m continuing to go through.. I was proud of myself for kicking my ass in the gym, getting shredded and doing competitions. I was able to put my mind to something, stick to it and conquer it. Now.. When all is said and done, I’ll be able to say I kicked cancers ass and conquered it. When I sit here and actually think about it, if that’s not inspiring.. I don’t know what else is.