Stay positive. Stay fighting. Stay brave. Stay ambitious. Stay focused. Stay strong. …Mentality is everything.
Easier said than done. It’s easy reading these quotes, easy acting like I’m ok, easy to say I’m strong.. I am strong, but I’m tired. And you know what the worst part about being “strong” is? No one asks if you’re ok..
This last round of chemo.. Oh my god is all I can say.. I’ve never in my life experienced pain like this before. It feels like I had my double mastectomy all over again, but 10x worse. I’m back to not being able to getting out of bed by myself, it hurts to walk, talk, cough. It even hurts to lay down. I’m so drugged up, I feel like I’m on Pluto.
A week before I got chemo, I had to go to the doctor AGAIN because of my infection where my drain was placed. The chemo makes the infection harder to heal, which makes it keep coming back. While I was visiting the doctor, he decided to fill my expanders in my breasts also. Usually we wait a month in between each fill, this time it was only 2 weeks. The expanders are 2 little pockets in each breast with ports in them.. He sticks a needle in each one, and pumps them both up with 50cc of saline solution to stretch the skin. I don’t feel a thing, because I no longer have feeling in my breasts.. BUT I do feel the pressure, and I do feel them expanding. I look down, and holy shit! My boobs are looking semi normal!!
The day after chemo, I always have to go back to the doctor for a shot. It’s called Neulasta. It’s a shot to boost my white blood cells, to help fight off infection since my immune system is so down. One major side effect of the medicine is bone pain. I get horrible pains into legs where it hurts to walk, and excruciating pains in my sternum. Which is why my chest hurts so bad now. Imagine getting your breasts filled a few days before chemo, having all that pressure and pain, then the sternum pain on top of it. It’s honestly a feeling I can’t describe because it hurts so bad.
Lately people have been asking me why I’ve been down, or sad lately.. It’s ok to be vulnerable once in a while.. It’s been OVER a year. I found the lump in my breast in February, they monitored it for months, and had my first surgery in October. It’s A LOT to handle. Some days I’ll just sit here and cry, and think about all that I have gone through already.. I look back at my double mastectomy and say to my self “holy shit, I can not believe I did that, or got through that”. Although now, I feel like I’m reliving that with the pain I’m experiencing. Do I want to give up sometimes? Do I think about giving up? Absolutely. But I can’t, and I won’t.
Why else am I sad?? My last doctors appt my doctor discussed removing my ovaries again. When carrying the gene (which I do) you have up to an 80% chance of developing ovarian cancer. Being 28 years old, that’s one hell of a chance! This may be one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make. It’s not fair that I should be having to make these decisions at such a young age. Ovaries out, means no kids.. We had a chance to freeze my eggs before chemo, but it was just too much with my surgeries, and it wouldn’t have worked out. Now being on chemo, my eggs are probably damaged. The medicine I’ll be on is at least 5 years, and I’m not allowed to get pregnant on it. Sooooo, that’s a very long time to stress over of the cancer is going to come back and attack my ovaries. Sometimes I think to myself that it’s ok if I don’t have a child of my own.. But then I see cute pregnant girls, and families with their kids.. And then I look at the relationship I have with my parents.. I want that, I look up to them and have a special bond with them. It’s just a hard stressful decision that I’ll really never know what the right choice may be..
When I sit here and cry, or want to give up.. I read my texts, and emails. I get so many positive messages from friends, loved ones, and people I don’t even know.. It brightens my day a little and makes my heart smile. There are some people that chose to walk out of my life, and not be here for me when I needed them the most.. And then there’s people that stuck by my side no matter what, holding my hand through this shit journey. I will forever be grateful for those of you in my life who chose to stand by me no matter what the situation may be. It’s nice to know that there are still some good, loyal people in this world.