No such thing as luck

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When ill luck begins, it does not come in sprinkles, but in showers.
-Mark Twain

This quote is the story of my life. When I was younger everyone used to say “you’re so lucky!” And I was. I’d always win at bingo, scratch offs, had great jobs, family, friends.. I honestly had the best luck. I guess as I got older, my luck started to dwindle down. Then being diagnosed with cancer, my luck basically became non existent.

Last week was the BEST I have felt in a long long time. I was starting to feel semi normal again. I was going to the gym and exercising, walking over 5 miles a day with my best friend.. I was starting to feel alive and healthy again. It was actually a relief. I’d find myself waking up with a smile every morning, which is something that hasn’t happened in a very long time. Then the week started to come to an end. I was very tired, having migraines, runny nose, and just feeling like I was in a daze or a dream. Saturday I didn’t get out of bed till about 5pm. Sunday I was still in a bit of a fog but I knew I had a doctors appt Monday, so tried to ignore it.

8:00am Monday morning my alarm goes off. Nothing like starting your week off with a doctors appt, and nothing like starting your morning off waiting for your mother who is ALWAYS LATE. She was only a half hour late this time, not too bad for her.. We finally get to the doctors around 11am.
“Good morning Allie!” Every one says as I walk in. I’m there at least twice a week so everyone knows me there. I should get a job there for as much as I’m there! I never have to wait, they just bring me right back to the room where my gown is already waiting on the chair for me. This doctors appt was simple. I was just there to get my stitches out from last surgery. As I’m laying there in my gown taking selfies, I hear the door open with my doctor saying “how ya feeling champ??” He comes over and opens my gown to see how I’m healing. I look up at him to see his eyes wide open in shock.
“Don’t just look with your eyes crazy, what’s wrong??” I said to him. He says to me “how have you been feeling?” I told him I haven’t really been feeling well the past few days. He then replies with a shaky voice saying “well, it looks like your other breast is infected. I’ll be right back.”
He leaves the room.
So now I’m sitting there freaking out. He tells me my other side is infected, which it shouldn’t be.. Then walks out of the room. About 10 minutes later he comes back in the room and says “ok! I cleared my schedule, let’s get you into surgery.”
WAIT, what?! Now?! I was there with my mom, who was then a hot mess. Justin wasn’t even there with me. I said to him “no, I can’t do it now. Justin’s not here and I’m not prepared for it!” I went to the doctor just thinking I was getting my stitches out.. Not a THIRD EMERGENCY SURGERY!

He then explains to me that the infection is so bad, that my breast looked like it was going to burst open, and we couldn’t wait. He also looked at me and says “this is so rare, I’ve only seen this happen a few times.” Ummmm are you kidding me?! My doctors like 70 years old, and he’s only seen this a few times?! And you know what? That’s not even the worst part. The worst part is, that he was only putting me under LOCAL ANESTHESIA! The surgery was such an emergency that we had no time to wait. Just my luck right? As if I haven’t been through enough already. “Whatever, let’s just get this over with doc.”

Setting up for surgery all I see are needles, scalpels, gauze.. I start freaking out. Thank god I had Xanax. The doctor looked at me and said “take two” Ha! Fuck my life, seriously! I lay back and he starts injecting the local anesthesia into my breast and sides, hurting beyond belief! Him and the nurses assured me I wouldn’t feel anything during surgery. I just wanted to say “really?! Have one of the nurses get on the table, open them up, then let them tell me they don’t feel anything!” At this point, I was pissed. Pissed I had to get another surgery, pissed justin wasn’t there, and even more pissed I was gonna be AWAKE!!

The nurse strapped my legs and arms down to the table, and put a cloth up so I couldn’t see what the doctor was doing. Little did they know, they’re operating next to a window, so all I had to do was glance into the window to see what they were doing!! The doctor peaked around the cloth, looked at me and winked. “Here we go!” He said out loud to the nurses. Let’s just say it went down hill from there. As he opened me up, all I felt was blood and ooze leaking down my side and onto my back. Local anesthesia my ass! I felt almost everything. As I feel the blood dripping down my sides, smell my skin and feel it burning from the tools.. I’m on the table screaming “fuck! I feel that!” Or “ouch I’m gonna kill you!” He kept injecting me with more local which seemed to do nothing. I screamed out “remind me to never do this again!!” The doctor and the nurses laughed and he said “you seriously are so strong.” No shit doc! Who else can say they have been through what I have in less than a year?! If anything is gonna make me strong, this would be the icing on the cake. After about an hour of torture, he tells me he’s stitching me back up. Thank you godddd!!! Theres so much more that I could go into gory detail about, but I’ll keep that to myself..
I sit up after surgery and after them wrapping me up.. I look down to see my whole chest and ribs completely wrapped, NO BOOBS, and of course another drain in my side. I’m thinking to myself, why did he wrap me like this, and what did he do?? The nurse walks me back to the room where my mom was waiting for me. Giving me the biggest hug trying not to cry she says “I love you my little super woman.”

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So, about that bad luck.. Turns out this infection was worse than the last one. That’s why I wasn’t feeling well. It was so bad, that it made it’s way to my ribs.. The infection obviously traveling through my blood stream, reaching into my ribs. Needless to say, I am in a huge amount of pain today. I go back to the doctor tomorrow (Wednesday) to find out more, and hopefully the cultures will be back to see what the infection was this time. It scares me to think that last time they said the infection was gone, and now this time it’s somehow traveling through my body. And the fact that this is rare! I swear, all the rare side effects, happen to me!! Worst luck ever.

November 12th, will mark a year that I have been living this nightmare. They say everything gets worse before it gets better.. 8 miserable surgeries later, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say I’ve been tortured enough. So much for me having a normal week, and waking up with a smile.. Now it’s back to doctors every other day, being scared to go to sleep, and waking up with my blood shot puffy eyes. I feel like it’s only right at the end of each blog, to ask everyone to still keep praying for me. Although I’m not sure it’s been doing anything, just knowing I have everyone on my side means the world to me.

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2 thoughts on “No such thing as luck

  1. I am so sorry you had to go through this yet again. You seriously are superwoman! And don’t ever think prayers don’t work…you’re here aren’t you?! Love you and PRAYING for you doll!

  2. She Stood in the Storm and When the Wind Did Not Blow Her Away. She Adjusted Her Sails. ~ Elizabeth Edwards

    I still remember you saying I had a headache or fever in Matt’s house. On the right side of the front door I stood looking at you felt your forhead for any sign of a fever. Something’s like that you never ever want to forget. Love You and Praying 4 You.

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