10 is a Hero

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“Number 10 is the Hero. First a 1, then a 0.”

A little girl said this to me the other day.. Its funny that kids can say the smallest things, and it can make such a huge difference in the way you think, or feel.

April 28th, 2015 will be my number TEN. 4 days after my 29th birthday. Yes, 10th surgery. After this, I’ll have to start counting surgeries on my little toes! Last year, 5 days after my birthday I was getting my double mastectomy. So I guess just keep the surgeries coming! As much as I can say I’m used to the surgeries, there is still a little bit of doubt.. Still a little bit of worry and anxiety. This is my life now. As long as I’ve been dealing with it, and going through everything.. I’ll never fully get used to “this life”.

THANK GOD for my vacation. Which started to turn into a stay-cation! Since I was diagnosed in November of 2013, it has literally been doctors appointments, hospital stays, and cancer centers NON STOP. There hasn’t been one week where there wasn’t a appointment. I have not had a break up until this vacation. It was SO NICE to just get away and not think about anything for a few weeks. BUT of course my luck, I was sick almost all vacation. Weather change maybe? It was horrible. I did manage to sleep my days away in the sun, and get a deep dark golden tan! A tan will make anyone feel better! While being on vacation, I didn’t think about doctors appointments once! I did think about the past few years though.. All I’ve been through. All I’m going through.. And all I’m still about to go through. I start to think it gets better and easier, and then something happens, and its 10 steps back.

In a previous blog, before I started chemo, before I even KNEW i was gonna have to go through chemo, I wrote about a dream I had. The dream was that I was on a beach, just me. There was no one else around. I was sitting staring at the water, wind blowing on my face and over my bald head. That dream I had literally came true. While on vacation, I went for a walk, and was sitting on the beach. Thinking about all I have been through, and how I am SO BLESSED to be here, on this beach, enjoying this vacation, enjoying life.. The wind was blowing in my face, over my bald head. As I’m sitting there, a rush of emotions just came over me. Tears formed in my eyes, and just started flooding down my face. Kind of like now, as I write this blog.

All I have been through, and all of the surgeries.. I think what that little girl said to me. 10 is a hero. She’s right. My mom tells me all the time that I’m her little hero. I get upset when she says that because what mother wants to say that to her daughter? What mother wants to see her daughter go through what I’ve been going through? What PARENT wants to see their child go through this? At times like this, is where I have to stay strong. Not just for myself, but for my mom so I can continue to be her hero, and continue to make her proud. When I actually sit back, and think about everything.. I guess I’d like to think that I am my own hero too. I’d also like to think, that if I close my eyes and count to 10 that this would be all over!

So, here’s to my 10th surgery, on the 28th, right after my 29th Birthday! Like my friend who’s beat cancer 5 times always says “Cancer has no filter, so neither will I. FUCK CANCER!”

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2 thoughts on “10 is a Hero

  1. So glad you had such a wonderful vacation, Allie! I remember the first vacation I had after treatments. It felt like heaven, for so many reasons.

    I want to wish you good luck with your next surgery. And I hope this is your last. You deserve a long break after everything you’ve been through, seriously. But I also want you to be well. You will be.

    There will be many more birthday celebrations and vacations for you. You better believe it. I do.

    xoxo

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