“A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending.”
It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds will always remain. In time, the mind covers these wounds and the pain will just lessen. But it is never gone. Which is why I am finally blogging again. When I was pregnant, I had a TON of apps on my phone. Of course, I deleted them all because I didn’t want a constant reminder of losing our first child.
Today, Friday November 13th I went to clear out my email, and this picture above is what popped up in my junk mail. Today, I would be 35 weeks pregnant. Our baby would be basically fully developed. Breaks my heart to see this. Not a day goes by I don’t think about the baby, and being pregnant. Some may think its crazy because I never actually met the baby. BUT, being a woman, and having a child growing inside of you, changes you. You instantly fall in love. And for me, I was always told I couldn’t get pregnant, so this was a blessing and a miracle for me. I envy any woman that is pregnant, or has kids. I get upset when I see commercials, or hear commercials with kids. Especially now that I know I’d be giving birth to our first child in the upcoming weeks.
I often wonder if I was having a boy or a girl, what they would look like. Its so hard, because I feel that the people around me may not fully grasp this part of the grieving process. Sometimes I feel angry and guilty, that its my fault. I didn’t know I was pregnant at first, so I was still taking all my medications. Was that the cause? Or was it all the chemo, and cancer drugs I was taking? Could I have prevented this from happening? All things that constantly run through my mind. I wonder if I will ever get the chance and privilege to be pregnant again, which causes me to have bad anxiety. BUT then I think, was this meant to be? I am still going through surgeries. If I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be able to get the surgeries I needed, and I wouldn’t continue to heal. So maybe this was a blessing, so our baby wouldn’t come out deformed, or sick? These are all things that go through my mind, that I know I shouldn’t be thinking about, but I cant help it. Everyone grieves differently. Some it takes longer than others. For me, I’m not quite sure how long it will take.
Since we lost the baby, I have never spoken about it. I keep all my emotions in, which is why I think its harder for me to get over this. A little bit of my heart is still broken. So I decided to blog, and get some of this out in hopes that it will help my anxiety go away. And maybe, it will even help others too. Just to have people know that they are not alone. Just how I blogged with my cancer. At first, I blogged to get all my emotions out, and help my anxiety. The outcome of me blogging, was better than I ever imagined. Not only did I help my self, but I also helped others going through the same thing, or something similar.
I read a short poem that put tears in my eyes, and hope in my heart.
“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back in the sky. Its the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done. But whats yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky, or in your hands.. One day it will fall from the sky and it will hit you real hard. And at that time, you wont have to put it back in the sky again.”
Needless to say, we are not giving up hope. We are still trying, but no luck. Everyone keeps saying “Don’t think about it, and it will happen”. Please stop saying that. There is not a day that goes by, that I’m not reminded or think about it. We will always think about getting pregnant. So I guess we will try and be patient. I hate saying this, but Only time will tell…