It’s just a scale

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The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!

I’ve always been obsessed with my weight. What girl isn’t?! From eating disorders, to doing competitions. It was always something. If i gained a few pounds, id freak out.. If I lost a few pounds, I’d be super happy.. When this all started, I was a lean shredded 130 pounds. I’d train legs twice a week, to make my legs and quads grow, and my abs would always be showing. Now it’s hard to believe that I’m barely 108 pounds, with no muscle and no confidence. Of course I’ve always wanted to lose weight.. But not by being sick. I see myself every day, I feel like I look the same. It wasn’t until recently when I realized how small I’ve actually gotten. I look at pictures I’ve took, and you see my bones and how frail I am. It’s hard enough to look in the mirror and see my beautiful hair gone, my perfect breasts gone.. I now look in the mirror, and I can start to see my ribs, and my collar bone.. It’s gonna be really hard to feel beautiful and confident again.. It’s gonna be another journey, and another struggle to get through..

I’m only going to do a short jumbled blog, because I’m not feeling well today. So, I just finished my second round of chemo.. This round, I was NOT prepared for. Every side effect I got last time, it came back quicker, and it came back worse. And then some! My hair… My poor hair. It’s basically gone completely. I feel like I look like some kind of spotted animal. I can’t shave it with a razor because risk of infection.. So I have to watch it spot and fall out.. My eyebrows and eyelashes are slowly coming out.. My veins are hurting, all my incisions and scars are killing me, I can barely move. I’m bruising all over, and where my drains were placed, they keep getting infected. And you know what? Yes. I’m actually complaining.. This shit sucks, I’m not even gonna sugar coat it. Do I want you to feel bad for me? Hell no! The doctor last told me, we had to wait a while for reconstruction. He said I’m getting too small, and he’s scared that if he fills my expanders in my breasts with saline, it will start to crush my ribs.. Not only that, my incisions keep getting infected from the chemo, and he’s nervous it will start to spread. Yay.

Sitting here knowing it’s only gonna get worse before it gets better, scares the living shit out of me. I’m nervous for what else is about to come, I’m nervous for what other obstacles I’m gonna have to face. I have so many mixed emotions that go through my head from day to day. My moods change from happy to sad in the matter of seconds.. Sometimes I’ll just look in the mirror and break down.. It’s hard to look at myself like this, and not know why something like this is happening to me. I’m a great, loyal person.. Why me? Why did I have to get sick?? Sometimes I’ll even just laugh and say to myself “holy fuck, I’m a mess!” Most nights I can’t sleep.. Most nights I’m scared to sleep in fear that I won’t wake up..

I may act strong, and I may look strong.. But I’m most definitely hurting and breaking on the inside. I mostly blog on how great I’m doing with all this, and how strong I am. Today, I had to blog and let it out. It’s not easy. I have my good days, and today I’m blogging about one of the worst. That’s why I blog.. To let you into my life, tell my story and go through my journey. It’s not a cake walk, and most people will never know what I’m going through, or know how I feel. Cancer can put me down, make me miserable, feel ugly, and scared.. But what I do know, no matter how skinny, bald, or ugly I feel.. Cancer will never, ever take away my heart or my personality. Those are 2 things that are here to stay. #fuckcancer

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