Another day, Another surgery 


“Surgeons can cut out everything except cause”

This isn’t going to be a long drawn out blog. I just wanted to do a short blog on my most recent surgery.. 

December 18th was my 13th surgery. The last one of the year! It wasn’t at all what I was expecting. Not even a little bit. The pain I have been going through is like NO OTHER. I can’t sleep, it hurts to lay, walk, sit. Especially sitting on the hard toilet. This was actually the first surgery that my doctor said I was gonna be in a ton of pain! What surgery was this, you ask? Well.. 

After all of my surgeries and infections, it was hard to stretch my boobs out to get even implants in there. That’s why they ended up taking my right lat, and skin from my back. After getting my cancer free implants, I still had no nipple, my breasts were very uneven, and there was a lot of ripples. Since I first had them removed, I’ve always been self concious. Having breasts is being a part of a woman, and I didn’t feel like one. So anyways- what they do is called Fat Grafting. What is fat grafting? 
Fat grafting, is one of the newest breast reconstruction techniques. In fat grafting, fat tissue is removed from other parts of your body — usually your thighs, belly, and butt — by liposuction. The tissue is then processed into liquid and injected into the breast area to recreate the breast. Awesome right? I get big boobs and liposuction! NOT!! If only I knew how painful this would be! The good thing is, this is the first surgery I didn’t have to have those stupid drains in!

  1 day postoperative 

 2 days postoperative  


Since I didn’t have enough fat in just my stomach, they took from my stomach, hips, and inside and outside of my legs. This picture above does no justice. I’m covered in bruises. My stomach, sides, back, chest. I’m so bloated from all the fluids and anesthesia. Judging from this picture, I’m sure you can tell how much pain id be in. I still have bandages on my breasts, but I just keep telling myself “it will all be worth it!!” So for the people making up stories that I got butt implants, or asking if I got butt implants.. NO. That’s not what my bruises are from. I am not a Kardashian, and I worked hard in the gym for my “fat ass”. Lately I’ve been working hard on it by eating pizza 😊 But I guess thanks for the compliment? 

All my breast cancer fighters and survivors love following my blogs because they are so raw and real. I don’t sugarcoat anything, and I make sure to add the details in there. So for those of you who are still in need of reconstruction of your breasts, I highly recommend this option. Yes, I’m in a ton of pain.. But it’s nothing like having my back muscle removed like last time. This is the healthiest, safest way to reconstruct your breasts. They’re using your own fat, and you’re getting skinnier while they do it! Lol. And they’re so soft! I planned on doing this after we had the baby to help jump start the baby weight loss, but that didn’t work out as planned. (Today was my due date. May our little angel rest in peace, and continue to watch over me ❤️) 

I see the doctor tomorrow to get my bandages on my breast removed, and get to see the reveal of my newly reconstructed nipple! This surgery will hopefully be one of the last. I’m praying it gives me the confidence I once had before, and I’m looking forward to finally looking and feeling like a woman! Although I am in a great amount of pain, this was a good surgery. As of now, I couldn’t be happier and I’m looking forward to a fast recovery. I can finally say I am 95% to almost closing this long drawn out chapter in my life. Best Christmas  gift ever, I’d say! 

They say time heals..


“A flower bloomed already wilting. Beginning its life with an early ending.”

It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds will always remain. In time, the mind covers these wounds and the pain will just lessen. But it is never gone. Which is why I am finally blogging again. When I was pregnant, I had a TON of apps on my phone. Of course, I deleted them all because I didn’t want a constant reminder of losing our first child.

Today, Friday November 13th I went to clear out my email, and this picture above is what popped up in my junk mail. Today, I would be 35 weeks pregnant. Our baby would be basically fully developed. Breaks my heart to see this. Not a day goes by I don’t think about the baby, and being pregnant. Some may think its crazy because I never actually met the baby. BUT, being a woman, and having a child growing inside of you, changes you. You instantly fall in love. And for me, I was always told I couldn’t get pregnant, so this was a blessing and a miracle for me. I envy any woman that is pregnant, or has kids. I get upset when I see commercials, or hear commercials with kids. Especially now that I know I’d be giving birth to our first child in the upcoming weeks.

I often wonder if I was having a boy or a girl, what they would look like. Its so hard, because I feel that the people around me may not fully grasp this part of the grieving process. Sometimes I feel angry and guilty, that its my fault. I didn’t know I was pregnant at first, so I was still taking all my medications. Was that the cause? Or was it all the chemo, and cancer drugs I was taking? Could I have prevented this from happening? All things that constantly run through my mind. I wonder if I will ever get the chance and privilege to be pregnant again, which causes me to have bad anxiety. BUT then I think, was this meant to be? I am still going through surgeries. If I was pregnant, I wouldn’t be able to get the surgeries I needed, and I wouldn’t continue to heal. So maybe this was a blessing, so our baby wouldn’t come out deformed, or sick? These are all things that go through my mind, that I know I shouldn’t be thinking about, but I cant help it. Everyone grieves differently. Some it takes longer than others. For me, I’m not quite sure how long it will take.

Since we lost the baby, I have never spoken about it. I keep all my emotions in, which is why I think its harder for me to get over this. A little bit of my heart is still broken. So I decided to blog, and get some of this out in hopes that it will help my anxiety go away. And maybe, it will even help others too. Just to have people know that they are not alone. Just how I blogged with my cancer. At first, I blogged to get all my emotions out, and help my anxiety. The outcome of me blogging, was better than I ever imagined. Not only did I help my self, but I also helped others going through the same thing, or something similar.

I read a short poem that put tears in my eyes, and hope in my heart.

“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back in the sky. Its the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do and that you’ve ever done. But whats yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky, or in your hands.. One day it will fall from the sky and it will hit you real hard. And at that time, you wont have to put it back in the sky again.”

Needless to say, we are not giving up hope. We are still trying, but no luck. Everyone keeps saying “Don’t think about it, and it will happen”. Please stop saying that. There is not a day that goes by, that I’m not reminded or think about it. We will always think about getting pregnant. So I guess we will try and be patient. I hate saying this, but Only time will tell…

The word is out!

FINALLY!!! The word is out! All of my blogging, pictures, and breast cancer awareness posts have been recognized! Since I got diagnosed and was able to be so strong, all I wanted to do was be able to help and inspire others. Now finally I am able to be given the chance to do so! Here are a few articles on me!!!

It was a Miracle, Baby!

“Knowing there’s one thing I still haven’t told you: I now believe, by the way, that miracles can happen. ”

This was one of my favorite movies growing up as a kid.
        I’m not really sure how to write this blog, or where to start. Its not something that is easy for me to talk about. When I talk about it, with the ones that do know, I get chocked up, and shut down. I cant get the words out that I need to say. I ignore phone calls and texts. I seclude myself so I can just avoid the whole conversation. But like Justin and my family say, if I don’t talk about it.. I’ll explode. So, like the cancer.. I’ll blog about it. I’ll blog about it in hopes that it will help me cope, like it did with the cancer.
      Since I was 16, I was told I couldn’t have children on my own. Being 29 now, I got used to the fact that it just wasn’t going to happen. Justin got used to the fact that we wouldn’t have a little Jew-Rican running around, and my parents got used to the fact that they wouldn’t be grandparents. We were going to save my eggs with fertility treatment, but chemo ended up starting sooner than expected. But now, I cant even save my eggs because my cancer is hormone sensitive. So all the hormones from the fertility drugs, will just feed the cancer. I’d always have my ups and downs. I’d be ok that I couldn’t have kids, then I’d be so sad, because all my friends were starting their families.. And I was just at a stand still.
      Anyways- as everyone knows Justin and I had an AMAZING vacation in April in the Bahamas and in Florida, which we did not want to come home from! Although, of course I was sick, the whole time, we had a great time. We got back, and it was straight to the doctors for check ups. My mom had came to the doctor with me that day, and she looked at me and said to me “Allie, you have a belly” now everyone knows I have ALWAYS had issues with my weight.. I said “MOM! WTF?! I was on vacation, you are supposed to eat!!” I was so mad at her that day, I skipped lunch and didn’t talk to her the whole ride home. The next few days I tried to go on my strict diet, but I kept making Justin take me out for burgers! haha. I couldn’t stop eating! I ate a burger or TWO every day! I guess that’s where my belly was coming from. I was still on that vacation mentality.
         CINCO DE MAYO! May 5th, my dads birthday! I went to go to work with my dad for the day. That whole day I was so antsy because Justin and I had plans to go out that night. Of course- who doesn’t!? I had a headache but i kept drinking water hoping it would go away because I didn’t want to ruin our plans. As I’m doing some of the backed up paperwork, my cell phone rings. I look down and its my mom. ughhhh. Still annoyed with her, I pick up “hi mom.”
She says anxiously “oh my god. Allie. You’ll never believe it. I just spoke to Kindergarten Andre!”
Kindergarten Andre is mine and my brothers best friend from Kindergarten that moved to South Carolina. He calls every year for my moms birthday. But it was odd, because it wasn’t my moms birthday.. So I Said “It’s not your birthday, whats wrong??”
My mom replied “he called asking if you were ok. He had a dream about you. He said in the dream you were pregnant”
I said “Mom get the hell out of here!”
My mom in her bitchy tone says “well you did have a belly the other day”
So in my bitchy tone I reply “I WAS ON VACATION!” and hang up! I was so mad at her! Andre of course knows everything that has gone on with me and the cancer, but it was weird that he called out of nowhere asking if I was ok.. I started thinking.. I’ve been eating burgers, which I don’t really like burgers.. I did gain weight.. I haven’t been feeling well.. Then I say to myself “You cant get pregnant! are you crazy?!” So, I tell my dad everything.. He said “buy a test! heres 20 bucks!” ummm ok, lol. So i grab the money, and run down to CVS. Im 29 years old, and I’m still nervous buying a pregnancy test! I get back to work, run to the bathroom. Shaking like crazy, I open the box and the pull out one of the sticks. Ok, so i just pee on this thing?? I know Im not pregnant this is a waste of time, but whatever here we go. I start peeing on this stupid stick.. IMMEDIATELY as my pee hits the stick.. It didn’t even give it time to process.. PREGNANT!  WTF?!?!?!?!?! Are you effing kidding me right now?! My heart started pounding, my hands started sweating and shaking… I almost dropped the stick in the toilet! I quickly wiped, pulled up my pants and ran into my dads office! I look at him with tears in my eyes and he says
“Wtf is wrong with u? You shit your pants?” Of course that would be something he would say!! I threw the pee filled stick on his desk. He looked down, and tears filled up in his eyes. He said “get out! give me a second!” Not only was a pregnant, but I found out on HIS BIRTHDAY! We all thought i COULD NOT get pregnant. Now here I am, pregnant, on his birthday!
I Quickly called Justin “JUSTIN. Are you sitting down?” I said. He says “Babe whats wrong??” I screamed in the phone “You’re gonna be a daddy! The best daddy EVER!! I have no clue how, but Im pregnant!” I Sent him pictures of the tests I took.. We were all in shock.. A miracle.. It was a complete miracle. What now?? How far along am I? What about my hormone sensitive cancer? I had to call my oncologist right away to see if this is even ok.
           My Oncologist got me in right away. Being that my Cancer is hormone sensitive I had to be monitored and watched closely. We weren’t sure how likely it would be that the hormones from the pregnancy would actually trigger the cancer back up. I could deal with the cancer again. As long as our baby was ok. The doctors and nurses were calling me the miracle girl, and the baby the miracle baby. NO ONE knows how this happened. Its unexplainable. So literally.. I was seeing the doctors EVERY OTHER DAY! My FIRST AND ONLY period was March 15th. So by the time I saw the doctor they figured I was about 6-8 weeks pregnant. I just wanted to tell everyone!!!!! But I knew i couldn’t yet.
          Every day and night I would put cocoa butter on my stomach (because NO ONE wants stretch marks! haha)  As I’d put the lotion on, I’d talk to the baby and say “hi my miracle baby! I’m gonna be the best mommy ever, i promise!” Every night before we went to bed, Justin would kiss my belly and say “Goodnight baby, daddy loves you!” And he’d do the same thing before he left every morning before work. We were literally the happiest parents to be on the planet. This was not expected, not planned, not even in our future.. And for this miracle just to happen like this, it was seriously a blessing for the both of us. It brought us closer together. Closer than EVER. We were starting our family that we always wanted, that we never thought we would get to have. AND I got to celebrate my “FIRST” MOTHER’S DAY!!!!! Every morning when I would wake up, I would take a picture of my little baby bump. It wasn’t much at first, but it was there! And I could certainly feel it. Ruby would look at me like, mom what are you doing?!
          As the weeks went by, the symptoms got worse. Fatigue, headaches, back pain, my hips.. It felt like I was going through chemo again! BUT no nausea! So I was happy. Each week I would have ultrasounds.. And each week, the gestational Sac would grow, the yolk sac would grow, and so would my levels.. But my hard headed little baby just did not want to show up to the party. The doctor could NOT figure out what was going on. The baby wasn’t in my tubes, I wasn’t miscarrying, and I was STILL pregnant. I was staying hopeful, and so was my doctor. I was gaining weight, and my baby bump was GROWING! I was hiding my baby belly! I was wearing baggy clothes, just to cover my bump!!! My mom kept telling me I was having a girl because I was gaining most of the weight in my butt! I swear, it doubled in size! And my luck, it would be a girl, just to torture me and do the things I did when I was younger!
        The next week I went on a mini vacation with Justin and some friends to Lake George. I had a Ultrasound that Thursday, and left for vacation right after. That whole week I wasnt feeling well. Migraines, My lower back and hips were hurting, and the pain was shooting down to my butt and legs. It hurt so bad, it hurt to walk and hurt to lay down. I pushed through the pain like I always do. That Friday, we were all eating breakfast when I got a phone call. It was the doctors. I knew it couldn’t be good. I just had an appointment the day before. The nurse tells me she wants to see me the following Friday, June 12th. Ultrasound first, then see the doctor. She said the gestational sac grew, but not much. She said she thinks the baby may have stopped growing, and to maybe watch for signs of miscarriage. Seriously, just my luck. Just when things are going good.. Something like this would have to happen. I just wanted vacation to be over, and for it to be the next week already.
         Finally… Friday June 12th 8:45am ultrasound.. Quick 1.2.3. Then up to see the doctor.. My doctor has seen me since im 15. He knows me very well.. He comes in the office and says with tears in his eyes “I had hope up until today. I know you have been through a lot the past year and a half, and this is not what you want to hear. But, Your baby stopped growing.” I just put my hands in my face, and put my head down. I knew this miracle baby was too good to be true. I knew this perfect little family to be was tooooo good to be true. I was absolutely crushed. I had NO WORDS besides “now what?” He looks at me and says “before you start to hemorrhage, we have to get you into surgery to remove everything. Its called a D&C”  A D&C  is a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus. Doctors perform dilation and curettage to diagnose and treat certain uterine conditions — such as heavy bleeding — or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion. Although the baby stopped growing, my hormone levels were still VERY high. So my body still thought I was pregnant, which is why I still had ALL the pregnancy symptoms, why my baby bump was still growing, and why we had no idea this was happening. So here goes surgery #11! I call Justin, and he quickly leaves his job, and comes straight to my moms to take me to the hospital for surgery. Surgery was quick. It was more the emotional part that was the worst for me. That night I didn’t get home till about 9pm from the hospital, after being there ALL DAY!
        The next morning I woke up in some pain. After getting out of the shower, I went to put cocoa butter on my stomach as I always do, and I completely lost it. I just fell to the floor crying. I was so used to putting the lotion on my stomach, and talking to my baby, that I forgot that the baby was gone. I got so used to having a little “human” growing in my tummy. I feel like being a parent changes you. Although I wasn’t a parent yet, I found myself in complete mommy mode already. I was doing things for the baby already. I wasn’t just thinking about myself anymore. I was thinking about the baby. It was nice. I felt like I was finally closing the cancer chapter in my life, or at least putting it on hold. After everything I have been through, something good was FINALLY happening. I deserved this. Justin and I deserved this. And it was all taken away from us..  I’m not sure if this miracle will ever happen again. We dont even know how it even happened in the first place. We are SO GLAD to know that it did happen. But our miracle baby was taken from us way too soon.
         June 21st, was going to be Justin’s first Father’s day.. I would have been going into my 2nd trimester, when we were going to announce to the world that Justin and I were having our FIRST baby. My hormone levels are still high. My body still thinks I am pregnant, which is really hard for me.. My levels are slowly going down, so soon I will go back to “normal”. This is the hardest thing we’ve ever had to deal with yet. Like I’ve said before.. Cancer taught me how to be strong.. But it never prepared me to deal with something like this. It’s going to take a while, but I’m strong and I’m a fighter. And now I know, I will be the best Mommy in the world, and Justin will be the BEST Daddy in the world.

No title.. 

“I have not been that wise. Health I have taken for granted. Love I have demanded, perhaps too much and too often. As for money, I have only realized its true worth when I didn’t have it.”

This man right here, has stuck by me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.. Just as we read in our vows.  It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure. I’ll admit, Putting up with me is a struggle.. Then add all the health issues, surgeries, and complications on top of that! 10 years strong, and he has not given up on me, or us. Not once. 

When you find someone you love, don’t let them go. When you find that someone, tell them, because before you know it, they can be gone. I find we live too much in the past, rather than in this very moment. I’ve learned you must always live your life the way you want, because when you look back at how much time you’ve spent wasting it on things that don’t matter.. You will soon see it’s the little things in life that really matter, and mean the most. 

I’ve been going through more than anyone can imagine in the past few weeks/months.. Everyone knows I’m very open about my situations.. Cancer has tought me how to be strong, and how to handle anything that comes my way. But what I can say is… It NEVER prepared me for what I’m going through right now. I’m not ready to talk about it, and I’m not sure I ever will be.. Just know, that I will be ok. 

Since I’ve deleted social media, everyone got scared and worried.. Reaching out to my family and close friends.. So I just wanted to update my blog for all my followers, and say thank you to everyone who’s been reaching out to them, and checking on me ❤️ I’m gonna be ok.

Number TEN

#10 goes down in the books! 

First surgery being 29! All went well.. I’m groggy from the anesthesia, and super sore. But I’m good! Finally home and resting comfortably.