It was a Miracle, Baby!

“Knowing there’s one thing I still haven’t told you: I now believe, by the way, that miracles can happen. ”

This was one of my favorite movies growing up as a kid.
        I’m not really sure how to write this blog, or where to start. Its not something that is easy for me to talk about. When I talk about it, with the ones that do know, I get chocked up, and shut down. I cant get the words out that I need to say. I ignore phone calls and texts. I seclude myself so I can just avoid the whole conversation. But like Justin and my family say, if I don’t talk about it.. I’ll explode. So, like the cancer.. I’ll blog about it. I’ll blog about it in hopes that it will help me cope, like it did with the cancer.
      Since I was 16, I was told I couldn’t have children on my own. Being 29 now, I got used to the fact that it just wasn’t going to happen. Justin got used to the fact that we wouldn’t have a little Jew-Rican running around, and my parents got used to the fact that they wouldn’t be grandparents. We were going to save my eggs with fertility treatment, but chemo ended up starting sooner than expected. But now, I cant even save my eggs because my cancer is hormone sensitive. So all the hormones from the fertility drugs, will just feed the cancer. I’d always have my ups and downs. I’d be ok that I couldn’t have kids, then I’d be so sad, because all my friends were starting their families.. And I was just at a stand still.
      Anyways- as everyone knows Justin and I had an AMAZING vacation in April in the Bahamas and in Florida, which we did not want to come home from! Although, of course I was sick, the whole time, we had a great time. We got back, and it was straight to the doctors for check ups. My mom had came to the doctor with me that day, and she looked at me and said to me “Allie, you have a belly” now everyone knows I have ALWAYS had issues with my weight.. I said “MOM! WTF?! I was on vacation, you are supposed to eat!!” I was so mad at her that day, I skipped lunch and didn’t talk to her the whole ride home. The next few days I tried to go on my strict diet, but I kept making Justin take me out for burgers! haha. I couldn’t stop eating! I ate a burger or TWO every day! I guess that’s where my belly was coming from. I was still on that vacation mentality.
         CINCO DE MAYO! May 5th, my dads birthday! I went to go to work with my dad for the day. That whole day I was so antsy because Justin and I had plans to go out that night. Of course- who doesn’t!? I had a headache but i kept drinking water hoping it would go away because I didn’t want to ruin our plans. As I’m doing some of the backed up paperwork, my cell phone rings. I look down and its my mom. ughhhh. Still annoyed with her, I pick up “hi mom.”
She says anxiously “oh my god. Allie. You’ll never believe it. I just spoke to Kindergarten Andre!”
Kindergarten Andre is mine and my brothers best friend from Kindergarten that moved to South Carolina. He calls every year for my moms birthday. But it was odd, because it wasn’t my moms birthday.. So I Said “It’s not your birthday, whats wrong??”
My mom replied “he called asking if you were ok. He had a dream about you. He said in the dream you were pregnant”
I said “Mom get the hell out of here!”
My mom in her bitchy tone says “well you did have a belly the other day”
So in my bitchy tone I reply “I WAS ON VACATION!” and hang up! I was so mad at her! Andre of course knows everything that has gone on with me and the cancer, but it was weird that he called out of nowhere asking if I was ok.. I started thinking.. I’ve been eating burgers, which I don’t really like burgers.. I did gain weight.. I haven’t been feeling well.. Then I say to myself “You cant get pregnant! are you crazy?!” So, I tell my dad everything.. He said “buy a test! heres 20 bucks!” ummm ok, lol. So i grab the money, and run down to CVS. Im 29 years old, and I’m still nervous buying a pregnancy test! I get back to work, run to the bathroom. Shaking like crazy, I open the box and the pull out one of the sticks. Ok, so i just pee on this thing?? I know Im not pregnant this is a waste of time, but whatever here we go. I start peeing on this stupid stick.. IMMEDIATELY as my pee hits the stick.. It didn’t even give it time to process.. PREGNANT!  WTF?!?!?!?!?! Are you effing kidding me right now?! My heart started pounding, my hands started sweating and shaking… I almost dropped the stick in the toilet! I quickly wiped, pulled up my pants and ran into my dads office! I look at him with tears in my eyes and he says
“Wtf is wrong with u? You shit your pants?” Of course that would be something he would say!! I threw the pee filled stick on his desk. He looked down, and tears filled up in his eyes. He said “get out! give me a second!” Not only was a pregnant, but I found out on HIS BIRTHDAY! We all thought i COULD NOT get pregnant. Now here I am, pregnant, on his birthday!
preg
I Quickly called Justin “JUSTIN. Are you sitting down?” I said. He says “Babe whats wrong??” I screamed in the phone “You’re gonna be a daddy! The best daddy EVER!! I have no clue how, but Im pregnant!” I Sent him pictures of the tests I took.. We were all in shock.. A miracle.. It was a complete miracle. What now?? How far along am I? What about my hormone sensitive cancer? I had to call my oncologist right away to see if this is even ok.
           My Oncologist got me in right away. Being that my Cancer is hormone sensitive I had to be monitored and watched closely. We weren’t sure how likely it would be that the hormones from the pregnancy would actually trigger the cancer back up. I could deal with the cancer again. As long as our baby was ok. The doctors and nurses were calling me the miracle girl, and the baby the miracle baby. NO ONE knows how this happened. Its unexplainable. So literally.. I was seeing the doctors EVERY OTHER DAY! My FIRST AND ONLY period was March 15th. So by the time I saw the doctor they figured I was about 6-8 weeks pregnant. I just wanted to tell everyone!!!!! But I knew i couldn’t yet.
          Every day and night I would put cocoa butter on my stomach (because NO ONE wants stretch marks! haha)  As I’d put the lotion on, I’d talk to the baby and say “hi my miracle baby! I’m gonna be the best mommy ever, i promise!” Every night before we went to bed, Justin would kiss my belly and say “Goodnight baby, daddy loves you!” And he’d do the same thing before he left every morning before work. We were literally the happiest parents to be on the planet. This was not expected, not planned, not even in our future.. And for this miracle just to happen like this, it was seriously a blessing for the both of us. It brought us closer together. Closer than EVER. We were starting our family that we always wanted, that we never thought we would get to have. AND I got to celebrate my “FIRST” MOTHER’S DAY!!!!! Every morning when I would wake up, I would take a picture of my little baby bump. It wasn’t much at first, but it was there! And I could certainly feel it. Ruby would look at me like, mom what are you doing?!
mommy
          As the weeks went by, the symptoms got worse. Fatigue, headaches, back pain, my hips.. It felt like I was going through chemo again! BUT no nausea! So I was happy. Each week I would have ultrasounds.. And each week, the gestational Sac would grow, the yolk sac would grow, and so would my levels.. But my hard headed little baby just did not want to show up to the party. The doctor could NOT figure out what was going on. The baby wasn’t in my tubes, I wasn’t miscarrying, and I was STILL pregnant. I was staying hopeful, and so was my doctor. I was gaining weight, and my baby bump was GROWING! I was hiding my baby belly! I was wearing baggy clothes, just to cover my bump!!! My mom kept telling me I was having a girl because I was gaining most of the weight in my butt! I swear, it doubled in size! And my luck, it would be a girl, just to torture me and do the things I did when I was younger!
baby
        The next week I went on a mini vacation with Justin and some friends to Lake George. I had a Ultrasound that Thursday, and left for vacation right after. That whole week I wasnt feeling well. Migraines, My lower back and hips were hurting, and the pain was shooting down to my butt and legs. It hurt so bad, it hurt to walk and hurt to lay down. I pushed through the pain like I always do. That Friday, we were all eating breakfast when I got a phone call. It was the doctors. I knew it couldn’t be good. I just had an appointment the day before. The nurse tells me she wants to see me the following Friday, June 12th. Ultrasound first, then see the doctor. She said the gestational sac grew, but not much. She said she thinks the baby may have stopped growing, and to maybe watch for signs of miscarriage. Seriously, just my luck. Just when things are going good.. Something like this would have to happen. I just wanted vacation to be over, and for it to be the next week already.
         Finally… Friday June 12th 8:45am ultrasound.. Quick 1.2.3. Then up to see the doctor.. My doctor has seen me since im 15. He knows me very well.. He comes in the office and says with tears in his eyes “I had hope up until today. I know you have been through a lot the past year and a half, and this is not what you want to hear. But, Your baby stopped growing.” I just put my hands in my face, and put my head down. I knew this miracle baby was too good to be true. I knew this perfect little family to be was tooooo good to be true. I was absolutely crushed. I had NO WORDS besides “now what?” He looks at me and says “before you start to hemorrhage, we have to get you into surgery to remove everything. Its called a D&C”  A D&C  is a procedure to remove tissue from inside your uterus. Doctors perform dilation and curettage to diagnose and treat certain uterine conditions — such as heavy bleeding — or to clear the uterine lining after a miscarriage or abortion. Although the baby stopped growing, my hormone levels were still VERY high. So my body still thought I was pregnant, which is why I still had ALL the pregnancy symptoms, why my baby bump was still growing, and why we had no idea this was happening. So here goes surgery #11! I call Justin, and he quickly leaves his job, and comes straight to my moms to take me to the hospital for surgery. Surgery was quick. It was more the emotional part that was the worst for me. That night I didn’t get home till about 9pm from the hospital, after being there ALL DAY!
        The next morning I woke up in some pain. After getting out of the shower, I went to put cocoa butter on my stomach as I always do, and I completely lost it. I just fell to the floor crying. I was so used to putting the lotion on my stomach, and talking to my baby, that I forgot that the baby was gone. I got so used to having a little “human” growing in my tummy. I feel like being a parent changes you. Although I wasn’t a parent yet, I found myself in complete mommy mode already. I was doing things for the baby already. I wasn’t just thinking about myself anymore. I was thinking about the baby. It was nice. I felt like I was finally closing the cancer chapter in my life, or at least putting it on hold. After everything I have been through, something good was FINALLY happening. I deserved this. Justin and I deserved this. And it was all taken away from us..  I’m not sure if this miracle will ever happen again. We dont even know how it even happened in the first place. We are SO GLAD to know that it did happen. But our miracle baby was taken from us way too soon.
         June 21st, was going to be Justin’s first Father’s day.. I would have been going into my 2nd trimester, when we were going to announce to the world that Justin and I were having our FIRST baby. My hormone levels are still high. My body still thinks I am pregnant, which is really hard for me.. My levels are slowly going down, so soon I will go back to “normal”. This is the hardest thing we’ve ever had to deal with yet. Like I’ve said before.. Cancer taught me how to be strong.. But it never prepared me to deal with something like this. It’s going to take a while, but I’m strong and I’m a fighter. And now I know, I will be the best Mommy in the world, and Justin will be the BEST Daddy in the world.

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“I have not been that wise. Health I have taken for granted. Love I have demanded, perhaps too much and too often. As for money, I have only realized its true worth when I didn’t have it.”

This man right here, has stuck by me through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse.. Just as we read in our vows.  It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure. I’ll admit, Putting up with me is a struggle.. Then add all the health issues, surgeries, and complications on top of that! 10 years strong, and he has not given up on me, or us. Not once. 

When you find someone you love, don’t let them go. When you find that someone, tell them, because before you know it, they can be gone. I find we live too much in the past, rather than in this very moment. I’ve learned you must always live your life the way you want, because when you look back at how much time you’ve spent wasting it on things that don’t matter.. You will soon see it’s the little things in life that really matter, and mean the most. 

I’ve been going through more than anyone can imagine in the past few weeks/months.. Everyone knows I’m very open about my situations.. Cancer has tought me how to be strong, and how to handle anything that comes my way. But what I can say is… It NEVER prepared me for what I’m going through right now. I’m not ready to talk about it, and I’m not sure I ever will be.. Just know, that I will be ok. 

Since I’ve deleted social media, everyone got scared and worried.. Reaching out to my family and close friends.. So I just wanted to update my blog for all my followers, and say thank you to everyone who’s been reaching out to them, and checking on me ❤️ I’m gonna be ok.

Number TEN

#10 goes down in the books! 

First surgery being 29! All went well.. I’m groggy from the anesthesia, and super sore. But I’m good! Finally home and resting comfortably.
 

10 is a Hero

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“Number 10 is the Hero. First a 1, then a 0.”

A little girl said this to me the other day.. Its funny that kids can say the smallest things, and it can make such a huge difference in the way you think, or feel.

April 28th, 2015 will be my number TEN. 4 days after my 29th birthday. Yes, 10th surgery. After this, I’ll have to start counting surgeries on my little toes! Last year, 5 days after my birthday I was getting my double mastectomy. So I guess just keep the surgeries coming! As much as I can say I’m used to the surgeries, there is still a little bit of doubt.. Still a little bit of worry and anxiety. This is my life now. As long as I’ve been dealing with it, and going through everything.. I’ll never fully get used to “this life”.

THANK GOD for my vacation. Which started to turn into a stay-cation! Since I was diagnosed in November of 2013, it has literally been doctors appointments, hospital stays, and cancer centers NON STOP. There hasn’t been one week where there wasn’t a appointment. I have not had a break up until this vacation. It was SO NICE to just get away and not think about anything for a few weeks. BUT of course my luck, I was sick almost all vacation. Weather change maybe? It was horrible. I did manage to sleep my days away in the sun, and get a deep dark golden tan! A tan will make anyone feel better! While being on vacation, I didn’t think about doctors appointments once! I did think about the past few years though.. All I’ve been through. All I’m going through.. And all I’m still about to go through. I start to think it gets better and easier, and then something happens, and its 10 steps back.

In a previous blog, before I started chemo, before I even KNEW i was gonna have to go through chemo, I wrote about a dream I had. The dream was that I was on a beach, just me. There was no one else around. I was sitting staring at the water, wind blowing on my face and over my bald head. That dream I had literally came true. While on vacation, I went for a walk, and was sitting on the beach. Thinking about all I have been through, and how I am SO BLESSED to be here, on this beach, enjoying this vacation, enjoying life.. The wind was blowing in my face, over my bald head. As I’m sitting there, a rush of emotions just came over me. Tears formed in my eyes, and just started flooding down my face. Kind of like now, as I write this blog.

All I have been through, and all of the surgeries.. I think what that little girl said to me. 10 is a hero. She’s right. My mom tells me all the time that I’m her little hero. I get upset when she says that because what mother wants to say that to her daughter? What mother wants to see her daughter go through what I’ve been going through? What PARENT wants to see their child go through this? At times like this, is where I have to stay strong. Not just for myself, but for my mom so I can continue to be her hero, and continue to make her proud. When I actually sit back, and think about everything.. I guess I’d like to think that I am my own hero too. I’d also like to think, that if I close my eyes and count to 10 that this would be all over!

So, here’s to my 10th surgery, on the 28th, right after my 29th Birthday! Like my friend who’s beat cancer 5 times always says “Cancer has no filter, so neither will I. FUCK CANCER!”

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Transformation Tuesday



Transformation Tuesday! Soooooooo it took ALOT of balls to finally post a pic like this.. Cancer “transformed” me in many ways.. It took my hair, my breasts, and my confidence.. But what you can’t see in this picture, is that the real transformation is on the inside. After all I have been through, I have realized.. It doesn’t matter if I have hair, or if I have boobs.. Beauty is not in the face, or the body. it is in the light of the heart ❤️ #FUCKCANCER