“Gonna live life ’til we’re dead. Give me scars, give me pain.. Then they’ll say to me, There goes the fighter, Here comes the fighter.. That’s what they’ll say to me, This one’s a fighter.”
You’re a fighter, they say. You’re so strong, they say. HA- if they only knew. One can only stay strong for so long.. One can only fake a smile for so long.. I am a fighter, that’s for sure. As for being strong.. Well, I have my days. And to tell you the truth, I’m tired of being strong. I’m tired of faking a smile. I’m tired of having to think, and make these decisions. I want someone to be strong for me, smile for me, and make these decisions for me. As time passes. the days just seem to get longer, and the decisions start to get harder. I just want to give up sometimes.. crumble, and break down.
Every other day is a doctors appointment. Bad news, after bad news. I cant work, I cant sleep, I cant even think. Since last blog, I switched doctors. Thank god I did. My new doctors told me that there was in fact cancer in my Lymph Nodes. Awesome right! NOT. The other doctors failed to tell me that. One more thing to worry about. So what does it mean when cancer spreads into the Lymph Nodes? Well first off, it means that I am no longer at Stage 1 breast Cancer, I am now at Stage 2. SO that means, maybe chemo after surgery. When cancer cells break away from the tumor, they can travel through the lymph system, or the blood stream. If it travels through the lymph system, they may end up in the lymph nodes. Which is what happened. Either way, most of the escaped cancer cells die or are killed before they can start growing somewhere else. But one or two might settle in a new area, begin to grow, and form new tumors. When cancer grows inside lymph nodes, it usually affects the lymph nodes near the tumor itself. Which is why I have this huge scar under my armpit, from removing my lymph nodes. More cancer in the nodes may mean that the cancer is more aggressive or that it’s more likely to spread to other places in the body. As of now, the cancer is in one place.
All of the news I have been receiving is way too much for me to handle. I will be going to see a fertility doctor in Hoboken next week to take the next steps to see if i have any eggs to freeze, and what I have to do to develop eggs to freeze them. The hardest part of all of this, is my thoughts of not being able to have my own child. The thought of that kills me, and my heart honestly breaks. I can cry at a drop of a dime when it comes to the topic of children. Yes, I know. Worry about my health first. I am trying. But my mind has been all over the place lately.. Between being sick, work, and just life in general. Nothing seems to be going right for me.
I just cant seem to grasp any of this. It may seem like I’m complaining, and if some of you want to think that, honestly.. Fuck off. I’m not complaining. I’m not saying why me, poor me.. I am being blunt and honest, and telling my story. I blog because I hate to talk about it out loud. I blog to get my story out there. I blog because it relaxes me and keeps me from blowing up on ignorant people. Not many people know what really goes on in the life of a young “cancer patient.” Well, I’m expressing what goes on in my life, and in my head. Not many people can do that.
Today… Today is a bad day. One of the worst actually. I sit here blogging with tears down my face, angry, sad, hurt.. Any emotion possible, that’s what I am feeling. I just have to keep telling myself things will get better, the days will get shorter, and Maybe.. Just maybe, It wont hurt to smile, and I wont have to fake it any more.