“Cancer changes your life, often for the better. You learn what’s important, you learn to prioritize, and you learn not to waste your time. You tell people you love them.”
If it wasn’t for the downside, having cancer would be the best thing and everyone would want it. That’s true. If it wasn’t for the downside…
My cancer diagnoses drastically changed my life. And I honestly think, if it weren’t for cancer, my eyes would not be as open as they are now. I see everything differently. I’d say it taught me a lot, but mostly made me open up my eyes and realize what was there and what I had. Made me realize the things I took for granted, and showed my true strength. I always knew I was strong, but this takes it to a whole new level. I’ve learned that you gain courage, strength, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things you think you can not do. And I’ve continued to prove this to myself every day while fighting.
I always say it’s been rough.. But let me tell you, this 4th surgery I just went through, NOTHING can compare. Between the physical and emotional damage, it’s been beyond hard and painful. I’ve never in my life experienced pain like this. And I can take pain, I have a high tolerance.. This is like nothing I can explain, and nothing I’d wish upon my worst enemy . Not only is the pain physically bad, it’s emotionally bad as well.. I don’t think I was mentally prepared for what was actually about to happen.. I’m very independent.. And now, I can’t do anything for myself. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t walk by myself, feed myself, bathe, use the bathroom.. All things that I’m used to doing by myself. If it weren’t for my husband whom I’ve taken for granted for NINE years, I don’t know that the hell id do. He has been my rock, my support, my everything. Our vows really put us through the test on this one. “Through sickness and in health.” Not in a million years did I think our vows would put us to the test and test our love and strength so early. He’s doing things for me he shouldn’t have to be doing until I’m at least 85 years old. He doesn’t complain, he doesn’t even seem to care that he has to wipe his 28 year old wife’s ass! Haha. If it weren’t for him, I’d be lost In this process, and I will be forever grateful.
April 29th, 5 days after my 28th birthday, was the biggest surgery of my life. I tried the best I could to mentally prepare myself for what was about to happen, what was about to change, how I was about to change. There in fact was actually no way to amp myself up, or prepare myself. I just had to stay strong, and walk in that hospital like a boss, because I knew, for one, I wouldn’t be walking out, and two, id be a changed person forever. I was pretty much fine when I first got to the hospital. I was with Justin in the room, we were laughing and I was dancing, making videos being silly as usual. That was until my dad walked in.. We made eye contact from across the room, both of our eyes filled up with tears and we both lost it. My dad is not emotional. Shows no emotions, and is a real hard ass. The last time he was in a hospital is when his sister passed away from cancer. Now his little girl is in the hospital with cancer, and it completely smacked him in the face. We stood there holding each other so tight crying, and saying goodbye before they took my off on the stretcher for surgery. It was gonna be a LONG day for everyone. They then rolled me off into the operating room.. This is when the shit show began.. I’ve never in my life had a problem getting an IV. For some reason, they couldn’t get it in. I’m layed out on the surgical table, as they stab me with these huge needles, hurting me beyond belief. FIVE different spots they tried on one arm.. My arm now is so swollen and filled with horrible bruises. After trying. Few more times in my other arm, They were finally able to get one in my right hand.
“Allie you did great!” I hear 6 1/2 hours later, as I wake up to vomiting all over myself. The pressure I felt, the pain I felt, the hurt I felt.. I was miserable. Only good thing was, I had a morphine button I could press every 10min for the pain! While recovering in ICU, I had a nurse. I forgot her name, but I will never forget her mean bitch of a face, and disgusting blonde hair. “Excuse me nurse, when can I go up to my own room?” I asked nicely, while in severe pain.. She responds, “does it look like your gonna get your own room?! There’s been people in here since yesterday waiting for a room. Your not getting a room.” Now those of you who know me, I have a HUGE mouth, with no filter, and don’t piss me off. Needless to say, my heart rate was at a resting 90.. After her bitch ass attitude, and me opening up my mouth, ripping into her.. My heart rate went all the way up to 160. All the monitors started going off, doctors rushed to me from all over, pumping my IV with fluids to calm me down. Let’s just say this lady was beyond lucky I had absolutely no strength, because I would have knocked her rude ass out. Instead, I complained to her boss what a bitch she was, and what do you know.. I got right up to my own room with a new and much nicer nurse!
My hospital stay was the worst. I ended up having to stay an extra day because I ended up needing a catheter. All the drugs they were pumping me with, made me not able to use the bathroom on my own. But I’m finally home and semi comfortable now. I still have 4 drains hanging from me draining all the blood and fluids. They will stay in for a few weeks. Thankfully I have a home nurse, and Justin to drain them for me. They make me so nauseous and they hurt because they’re pulling on my incisions. From all the pain and nauseousness, I haven’t really been able to eat, or smell food. I’ve lost about 10 pounds so far, and hoping I don’t lose anymore. My mom asked me “after all of this, are you ready to take on chemo?” Honestly, before all this, I was pretty much prepared.. But now, after feeling so helpless and sick.. I can honestly say now, no. No I’m not ready. I hate not being able to do anything for myself. I hate having to rely on someone and inconvenience them by taking care of me..
This surgery took a toll on me. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I feel like a totally different person. At just 28 years old, I’ve been through hell and back. My friends and family really showed me their true colors. Some showed not so good, but most shocked me with how much they love and care about me. I don’t know what I would do with out them this time around. Friends have been surprising me with tattoos for me, letters, instagrams, gifts.. Anything you can possibly imagine, my friends and family have done it. Woman are telling me I’m an inspiration to others, I make other people strong and realize that life’s too short.. All the kind words, and prayers has really helped me this time around. Although I feel like shit, and some days I’m not able to handle.. It’s my loved ones that really helped me through it this time.
Someone once told me “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” Everything about this, is so perfect and so true. The things I appreciate now, the things I understand.. Life has a whole knew meaning. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been before, and although I hate the word cancer, and I hate living and suffering with cancer.. It’s cancer that made me realize all of this. And as Jim Valvano said “cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It can not touch my mind, it can not touch my heart, and it can not touch my soul.”
So here’s to my next steps of healing, ridding cancer, and telling it to go fuck itself!!