It’s that time of the year again. That time Where people’s newsfeeds get flooded with New Years resolutions of things they say they’re gonna do, but rarely stick to. Lose a few pounds, quit smoking, go back to the gym. Every year it’s that “new year, new me”. But in all reality, Why do you have to wait for a new year to start a resolution? To start a “new” you?
Last year, I didn’t really have a resolution. All I wanted was to be cancer free. A year with no doctors appts. A year with no chemo. A year with no surgeries. In 2013, going into 2014 everyone kept saying to me “this is going to be YOUR year Allie!” If only that were true. And to be honest, this past year has been so hectic, I haven’t really had any time to reflect on it until now. What I can reflect on and say, 2014 was the WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE. Although I had cancer, I really thought 2014 was gonna be a breeze. Remove the tumor, and that’s it. Right? Nope! Between countless hospital stays, EIGHT miserable painful surgeries, 4 months of chemo, infections, complications.. The list goes on. It never really seemed to get better. I was always getting worse, and just seemed to be getting sicker.
I’ve been through things I’ve never imagined. Sleepless nights.. Never wanting to get out of bed, or leave the house. I didn’t want people to see me, because of the stares I would get. I may as well had a sticker saying “I have cancer” on my forhead. There’s been times I was scared to go to sleep in fear I wouldn’t wake up. There’s been times id want to go to sleep, and NOT want to wake up.. And then there were those times where I’d wake up and smile. Smile and be happy to wake up and see another day.
It’s been a roller coaster, that’s for sure. And not one moment of it has been easy. My friends are being told their pregnant, and starting their families.. While I’m being told I cant have kids, and I need start preparing for a full hysterectomy. If there is one thing that bothers me the most, it would be that. I’d gladly give up my party life, give up anything to have a baby. I’m ready, and I’ve been ready. Having a full hysterectomy not by choice at only 28, is something I can’t fathom.. It breaks my heart, and brings me to tears. After everything that I have been through, now this?! I always ask myself.. “What did I do to deserve all this? I must have been some piece of shit in a past life to get all of this thrown at me at once.” I can say, and always say.. I’m a totally different person now, than I was when this first started. I’m a hell of a lot stronger, so much more grateful, and I don’t take anything for granted.
As this year FINALLY comes to an end, I can now look back and say I made it. I beat fucking cancer. It tried to take me, but my strength, attitude and determination wouldn’t let it get the best of me. Although at times, it wasn’t easy, and I thought this disgusting disease had me.. I came back full force and beat it.
“2015 WILL BE YOUR YEAR!” Is everyone’s words to me, once again. I’m going into this new year, still sick, and into my NINTH SURGERY. Yes, my 9th surgery, and yes, I’m still sick. No more Breast cancer. Thank god! But my chrones diseases has gotten the best of me. A mere 100 pounds, and I’m still struggling to stay healthy. So the madness isn’t ending anytime soon for me…
So as for New Years resolutions.. Who needs them. Make the best out of every day, every week, month, year. You don’t need a new year to be a new you, or change something. Just be grateful for what you have. Be grateful for your HEALTH, family, and happiness because you never know what can happen. Don’t take anything for granted.. And always remember, enjoy the little things in life.. For one day when you look back, you will realize they were the big things.
HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE!